A Few Open Letters

29 September 2011

Dear Time (re: Passage of),

I would really appreciate it of you would stop playing parlor tricks with my memories.


The Guy who wants to stop thinking about The Girl


Dear Short Haired Girl / Once & Future Long Haired Girl,

You are still the prettiest girl in the room.


A Guy Who is Happy You’re Happy and Healthy


Dear Random Woman from Internet Dating Site I Have Used for an Embarrassingly Long Time,

When we were chatting the other night and you asked what I first notice about a woman, contrary to your implication, I was not being coy by telling you that “it’s complicated.” Had you asked me in person, or any format that lends itself to long form answers and given me a minute to consider the question, I might have answered something like this:

I notice eyelashes, and collar bones, intellect, and shoes. I notice the cut of her jib, and the yes, the size of her rack too (however enlightened and renaissance, I am still a boy.) I notice the book in her hand, the shape of her skirt, the sway in her walk, her choice of libation, and too many other things too. It is… well, complicated if for no other reason than the fact that what I notice is situational and personal.

Sadly, you opted for judgmental and shrill… or was that just the effect of the chat format? No matter, as I am pretty sure that I don’t need any more judgment or shrill in my life.


The Guy You Ran-Off Before Even Meeting (is that some kinda record for ya)


Dear Manager at Random New Restaurant,

Do you actually owe money to the Mob, or is your wine list just priced like you do?


A Guy Who Knows What You Paid and What You Charge


Dear Handful of People Who Still Read This Thing,

Thank You.


A Guy Who Appreciates That You’re Still Here.


Farewell DADT… Is the Sky Falling Yet?

20 September 2011



I usually reject generalizations as a hallmark of a lazy intellect. I usually dismiss the demonization of people as unproductive in reasonable discourse. However to all of the preachers and false prophets who are warning of the coming wrath of God because of the end of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, you are all a bunch of hateful intellectual bantamweights who traffic and profiteer in ignorance. All of you can go pound sand.

Just in case, I was wrong and you were right, I looked outside for locusts, or other signs of a falling sky. I found a sun struggling to peak from the cloudy and occasionally rainy skies… but it’s late summer in DC so that’s not unusual.  What freakish occurrences have marked the hours since the end of DADT?

  • I overcooked my roasted red pepper risotto.
  • I went to sleep without having a bourbon and cigar first.
  • The Red Sox continue to fold like a house of cards in hurricane… (oh, wait, that’s not that unusual but let’s blame the Gays anyway.)
  • Right to Life organizations decided to protest the extremely questionable execution of a man in Georgia… (oh, wait, that didn’t happen but wouldn’t that be a sign of the Apocalypse… or intellectual & moral consistency?)