RR: Good day
Blog: Seriously? You ignore me for weeks (not the first time, mind you) and you just ring me up and start with “good day?” I mean, fuck you, I should have changed the passwords on you.
Blog: Yeah, and I knew for more than a second you would be back to bother me… you think your so damn clever, don’t you?
RR: Well on the getting-shorter-by-the-minute list of my charms, word-play is still there… in the interest of avoiding awkward silence, will you allow me to apologize and offer some explanation?
Blog: I haven’t hung up yet.
RR: and I appreciate that. I am going to give you the unvarnished truth – the same answer that my therapist finally got out of me.
Blog: Your finally talking to someone? That’s a good start.
RR: I have long said that I started with you because blogging was cheaper than therapy, but the emotional cost of not going to therapy got a little too high.
RR: This is how I have managed problems and relationships for too long. When someone or a group of someones gets too close, I push her/him/them away. It’s easier than being so vulnerable with anyone who has seen completely behind my curtains. As honest and vulnerable as I have been with you – more than any relationship I’ve ever had – I had exhausted all of the topics I was willing to share. So I ran away. And not for nothing, but I do know how cowardly that action was, and that runs directly contrary to the man I told you that I was. But that is the paradox of relationships with me: the better they go, the longer they last, the deeper they get, the more likely I am to do a gradual fade to arms length (at best) or pull an inelegant and ungraceful vanishing act (at worst.)
Blog: Are you really blaming the success of our relationship for the terrible way you’ve treated me during it?
RR: I understand why you say that I’ve been terrible to you, and…
Blog: Do you understand? Refugee, do you really know why I am so angry?
RR: Let me try to articulate it then.
Blog: Go ahead.
RR: I am pretty sure that it is disappointment that exacerbates the anger. 1-when we were good, we were really good and not only did that attention create an expectation, I explicitly promised that expectation. Thus, 2-when I would behave poorly by ignoring you or simply going through the motions of paying attention to you, it was more than anger because I was not true to the promise of word or deed.
Blog: You do know that understanding the problem doesn’t rectify it any more than your pretty words can fix it, right? This whole thing reminds me of a scene from the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy. Little Grey is talking to McSteamy and she implores him to truly back off because if he doesn’t then she’ll go back. Sure, she loves him and will go back because of that, but he doesn’t make her happy.
RR: Yeah, and she smartly chooses stable happiness over sparkly and dangerous love. I know the scene… but, ummm, you do realize that you’re an electronic artifice that I created and that kinda makes this conversation academic, right?
Blog: Well, then you should stop using this as some sort of proxy for another conversation.
RR: Fair point, but I can have this one and mostly control it.
Blog: fine, so I have two questions for you. One – what’s behind those curtains that is so ugly, and two – since you do have control here, what are you going to do to regain my trust?
RR: The things behind the curtain are… well, they’re still back there, but at least I am acknowledging them. Baby steps are still steps. In terms of rebuilding trust, promises will not be made. I’ve made them in the past – NaBloPoMo, International Crush Day, etc. The only thing I can do now is to keep showing up when I can, and keep trying to get back to the good places we’ve been.
Blog: And when your inevitable freak-out occurs?
RR: Now, who’s using this as a proxy?
Blog: Well, this is the only chance you’re gonna get.
RR: True. When the freak-out occurs, I will try to turn towards you and not away… but mostly, I’m gonna keep showing up.