Last weekend I was the chef for a wedding rehearsal dinner (Shrimp & Crab Bisque / Arugula & Asparagus Salad with a Honey, Lime, Rum & Bacon Jus Dressing / Surf & Turf of Maine Lobster Tails and Braised Beef Short Ribs / Cocktail of Port Poached Pears and Apples with a Brandy Demi-Glace and Hazelnut Whipped Cream was the menu… in case any of you were curious.) The following day I was the on-site Sommelier for the reception. That extremely exhausting back-to-back inspired a few New Rules and gave me some Lessons Learned (or reinforced.)
Lesson Learned: I have been in the company of a few sailors (both civilian and military) and generally found them all to be varying degrees of lovely. After being in a room filled with boat-people, however, I am ready to declare the collecting gathering of them at least equal to a barrel of monkeys for delivery of fun.
Lesson Learned: Yacht-people (defined as persons who refer to their sailing vessel as a yacht rather than a boat irrespective of the size of such vessel) are generally a collective bunch of asshats.
Lesson Learned: Some people will never out grow the common grade school mechanism of communicating attraction through hostility. Being mean to people was a shitty method of flirting then and is even worse now. Yes, I’m looking at you, Bridesmaid #1
New Rule: if you don’t have at least one bartender in your life who you would want at you’re wedding, then as the twitter kids like to say, #youredoingitwrong.
New Rule to Qualify the Prior Rule: If you have ten or more bartenders in your life who you would invite to your wedding (and you’re not industry,) #youreprobablydoingitwrong.
New Rule: If you don’t look at your bride as she walks down the aisle and think you’re “marrying-up” #youredefinitelydoingitwrong
New Rule: For every half carat past 1.5 your likelihood of being an asshat increases by 10%. Yes, Bridesmaid #3, I’m thinking of you.
Old but Rarely Followed Rule – The Best Man’s toast should always be more about the bride than the groom.
Lesson Learned (reinforced): A man’s willingness to dance at a wedding is directly related to his ability to get laid at a wedding; and a man’s ability to dance well makes the aforementioned fornication a virtual certainty.
Lesson Learned: When considering your first-dance song, one ought to limit the choices to tunes less than four minutes in duration… after that, it just gets weird.
New Rule: trying to sneak booze to underage guests does not make you “the cool uncle” it makes you a raging asshat who thinks it’s acceptable for a business to risk their livelihood over your intention to slip some wine to a college girl.
Old but Rarely Followed Rule: if there is a champagne toast, and underage guests are attending, be sure to have some flutes of ginger ale so everyone can participate.
Lesson Learned: Throwing the bouquet and tossing the garter, are traditions that need to end. Props to my clients for showing me how much classier a wedding is without the need to herd all single people into a mosh pit like being uncoupled is a pre-existing condition.