A Few Open Letters

Dear Woman-I-Won’t Name,

I know that you were just being a good bartender, and a little bit of flirting is part of the job. I also know that in the hierarchy of the “most difficult women to pick-up” hot-bartender falls just one notch behind lesbian-stripper. But not for nothing, if I had your address, I would have sent you a hand written card of thanks for the other evening… I would probably have busted out my red wax stamp to seal it for good measure. And that stamp doesn’t come out often.


A Man with a New Crush

Dear Four Seasons & Bourbon Steak,

I’ve been to your joint a half-a-dozen times now and each time the service has not been to the standards of a place I’ve revered for so long and a place that purports to strive for the superlative. To place a really fine point on it,your service isn’t allowed to suck when you charge twenty bucks for a glass of wine. That glass isn’t allowed to sit empty for double digit stretches of minutes before someone inquires about it. The-bad-suit-wearing manager is not allowed to finally offer to get me another glass and then forget about it. And this largely forgetful experience ought not be the best of the six I’ve had.


A Man Whose Trust and Patience You’ve Exhausted


Dear David & Lucinda from NYC,

Meeting and conversing with you two are reason enough for people to be more willing to share space with strangers. Our conversation was the best part of sitting at the Four Seasons. Even though I don’t wish to be fixed up with your niece (but I’m sure she’s lovely,) I look forward to having drinks with you during my next trip to Gotham.


A Thoroughly Charmed Man

Dear Forces That Control the Weather,

I just want you to know that to my liking last Saturday was the perfect fall day around these parts – cool enough for cashmere, warm enough not to need a coat on top of that. This is my favorite time of year, and you all should feel free not to rush through it.

With Sincere Gratitude & Thanks,

A Really Big Fan of Fall

Dear Women SEC Football Fans,

There are many things about the SEC that drive me nuts – your intellectually hallow and insular belief in the superiority of football in your southern conference is atop the list. However, I will never complain about going to your games because only in the south do girls wear pearls to watch football.


A Man with a Weakness for Certain Things

p.s. When it comes to fashion, it is a myth that diamonds are a girl’s best friend; that role always belonged to pearls.

Dear Westboro Baptist Church Members,

You all are the most vile humans on the planet – twisting logic & hating gays enough that you will protests a soldier’s funeral will earn you that label. What makes you even worse – besides all the hate and vomit inducing behavior – is that your Supreme Court case forces me to defend your right to spew this evil.


A Man Who Wants to Renounce His ACLU Membership


9 Responses to A Few Open Letters

  1. kitty says:

    I love your open letters. That first one should find its way into that bartender’s view.

  2. Scarlett says:

    I’ll take issue with the SEC letter as SEC women are not the ONLY women who have been known to wear pearls to football games 🙂 Big 10 girls can preppy it up when we want to 🙂

  3. i might have been wearing a pearl necklace during a recent redskins game…oh wait..umm never-mind…;-)

  4. (1) Dang, red wax and a stamp?!?! I’m holding out for a man who will hold the door open for me.

    (2) Why oh why does the Georgetown Four Seasons repeatedly fail to meet the brand’s image/standards? It has sucked for at least since 2005. They should toss in the towel, slap a Hilton sign on the front, and admit defeat.

    (3) Quaker prep + women’s college = pearls over diamonds always and forever

    Just the post this gal needed to read on this random Wednesday.

  5. LiLu says:

    Totally agree. Diamonds are all special-occasion-y, whereas pearls are there any old time you need them. MY best friends are for all the time, not just anniversaries and Christmas parties.


  6. Grace says:

    Pearls are the epitome of elegance.

  7. Gilahi says:

    I have to admit that I’m something of a gemstone fan, but given a choice between Neil Diamond and Pearl (Janis Joplin), I’d go with the latter every time.

  8. firecracker says:

    wholehearted agreement to the phelpsers. it’s a tough place to be in, but that’s one of the great challenges (and joys) of freedom.

  9. City Girl says:

    I always love your Open Letter Posts! I agree with Kitty that the bartender should receive that letter, and I’m equally as baffled as to how Bourbon Steak can charge those prices and offer such sub-par service.

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