I begin by explaining my belief in you – it has never wavered. Sure, there was that one time in fourth grade when I may have pretended to be a non-believer, but that was just a front. I only let people conclude such heinous things because snotty-nosed Johnny, who I am certain received lumps of coal that year and many that followed, was leading a chorus in which he and his evil cronies accused all believers of being “big fat little sissy babies.” Setting aside his horrific and illogical sentence structure, I assure you, Santa, that I only denied you once and only because even then I deemed arguing with the ill equipped to be a fool’s errand.
Like many bloggers this season, I am making my requests electronically because snail mail to the North Pole would burn hella fossil fuels, and publically because… well because I had to write something. I am going to skip the obviously impossible requests (world peace, and end to suffering, a return to reason in political discourse, good service at CVS, etc.) because so many folks more worthy than I have made those requests and they seem not to be within your purview. I will also forego the trappings of materiality (though if I were to find a 1961 Zenith Constellation Chronometer under my pretend tree, I wouldn’t be even a little upset,) because if I have learned nothing these past few years, I have learned that I have everything I really need.
With those caveats and qualifiers, my dear Santa, I give you my Christmas Wish list for 2009:
- I would like more uncomplicated relationships, or at least fewer relationships that offer conspicuous complexity.
- I would love it if you packaged some emotional availability and put that in my stocking.
- That ego deflation valve for my head would make a lovely bauble. If you accompanied it with some supplemental humility packs it would really pop.
- A self-righteous-o-meter complete with the internal warning whistle that sounds before I get on Tilt would be splendid.
- While I appreciate all of the virtual friendships you’ve given me in the last year, I would love it if you made a few more of them more tangible.
- Santa, I love the delete-all-history function on that phone you gave me last year. I am wondering if I could have the corresponding functionality for my brain too.
- I know that I have asked for a bunch of relationship stuff, but if you’d indulge me one more, I really wouldn’t mind if you helped me redevelop my relationship with Her. No not that woman, Santa (she’s the reason I asked for number 6;) I’m referencing God, who I am convinced is a woman until I hear definitively contrary information.
- More cowbell
- A third ear – something stealthy, who wants to be that guy with an extra ear on his forehead – so I can listen a little bit more.
Well, Santa, that’s my list for this year. I know that most of the things I have listed are within my control. I suppose that is an implied acknowledgement that you, Santa, live in the heart of every boy and girl, no matter how old we get.
Sincerely, gratefully, yours,