Dearest Santa – My Open List

Dearest Santa,

I begin by explaining my belief in you – it has never wavered.  Sure, there was that one time in fourth grade when I may have pretended to be a non-believer, but that was just a front.  I only let people conclude such heinous things because snotty-nosed Johnny, who I am certain received lumps of coal that year and many that followed, was leading a chorus in which he and his evil cronies accused all believers of being “big fat little sissy babies.” Setting aside his horrific and illogical sentence structure, I assure you, Santa, that I only denied you once and only because even then I deemed arguing with the ill equipped to be a fool’s errand.

Like many bloggers this season, I am making my requests electronically because snail mail to the North Pole would burn hella fossil fuels, and publically because… well because I had to write something.  I am going to skip the obviously impossible requests (world peace, and end to suffering, a return to reason in political discourse, good service at CVS, etc.) because so many folks more worthy than I have made those requests and they seem not to be within your purview.  I will also forego the trappings of materiality (though if I were to find a 1961 Zenith Constellation Chronometer under my pretend tree, I wouldn’t be even a little upset,) because if I have learned nothing these past few years, I have learned that I have everything I really need.

With those caveats and qualifiers, my dear Santa, I give you my Christmas Wish list for 2009:

  1. I would like more uncomplicated relationships, or at least fewer relationships that offer conspicuous complexity.
  2. I would love it if you packaged some emotional availability and put that in my stocking.
  3. That ego deflation valve for my head would make a lovely bauble.  If you accompanied it with some supplemental humility packs it would really pop.
  4. A self-righteous-o-meter complete with the internal warning whistle that sounds before I get on Tilt would be splendid.
  5. While I appreciate all of the virtual friendships you’ve given me in the last year, I would love it if you made a few more of them more tangible.
  6. Santa, I love the delete-all-history function on that phone you gave me last year.  I am wondering if I could have the corresponding functionality for my brain too.
  7. I know that I have asked for a bunch of relationship stuff, but if you’d indulge me one more, I really wouldn’t mind if you helped me redevelop my relationship with Her.  No not that woman, Santa (she’s the reason I asked for number 6;) I’m referencing God, who I am convinced is a woman until I hear definitively contrary information.
  8. More cowbell
  9. A third ear – something stealthy, who wants to be that guy with an extra ear on his forehead – so I can listen a little bit more.

Well, Santa, that’s my list for this year.  I know that most of the things I have listed are within my control.  I suppose that is an implied acknowledgement that you, Santa, live in the heart of every boy and girl, no matter how old we get.

Sincerely, gratefully, yours,

Restaurant Refugee


10 Responses to Dearest Santa – My Open List

  1. k8 says:

    A good list, refugee. Lead on.


  2. citygirlblogs says:

    Great list, Refugee, although I hope that you realize that you are your own worst critic! I see you as kind, emotionally available and a great listener! xoxo

    You need to spend some time with my ex-wife.

  3. Brilliant list, but why can’t Santa bring good customer service to the CVS pharmacy counter? Why? Oh wait, I’m confusing him with Jesus and thinking Santa performs miracles.

    I love your list.

    I was tortured for ten minutes in there the other night. It was rather painful.

  4. That just might be one of the best lists I’ve seen this season.

    Thank you, been working on it for a minute or four.

  5. A says:

    If Santa is generous, perhaps you could share the wealth. Especially #1.

    It would be my pleasure to pass those things around.

  6. Vie says:

    That is an awesome list. I hope you get at least one of those things this year.

    I’ll take one, but I’d like my inner santa to work on them all.

  7. Jean says:

    As good an Xmas list as I’ve ever seen, to be sure. I hope Santa comes through for you 🙂

    Thank you, we can all hope right?

  8. metroadlib says:

    wow. i, too, saw a need to forgo requests for world peace, an end to world suffering, and an end to people bringing guns to town hall debates (i’d never ask for civility at a cvs as poor customer service generally makes me feel morally superior). but i DID ask santa for a watch. a large, pearl-faced Swiss Army one with diamonds all around it. i’m a woman of substance, you see.

    poor customer services makes my eyelids ache, but I am glad you can find joy in it. And while the SA Vivante is a very nice timepiece, I am partial to the Baume & Mercier Ilea for ladies.

  9. kitty says:

    a week from now, this could be seen as a list of resolutions. especially since a few things on your list aren’t going to come from santa. except more cowbell.

  10. kitty says:

    and by the by, thanks for coming around on responding to comments. those are at least as interesting to read as the original post!

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