Are You Faking or For Real – What’s the Deal Dapper

One of my most frequently googled posts led to the post in which I make the argument that Sexy comes in all shapes and sizes.  It is a belief to which I have fervently cleaved and embodied throughout my adult life.  The corollary notion that I am primarily attracted by intellect and words in equal or even greater measure than one’s luck in the genetic lottery is also a long held concept.  Like many other personal ideals, it can fall short when tested.

As I write this from the patio of my regular coffeshop, a woman sitting a few feet to my left is testing it.  I see Dr. Bly here all the time.  We became fast friends about a year ago when we shared a table because all others were taken.  Over the course of all those months we’ve had countless coffee dates both planned and unplanned, and I have found her to be brilliant, wickedly funny, a scintillating conversationalist possessed with a healthy dose of snarkasm*, love for wine and baseball**, and a terrific flirt.  By any reasonable measure of people, she’s aces over aces.

Dr. Bly also happens to be, according to scientific definitions she helps write and her own admission, morbidly obese.

When we don’t find someone attractive but others think wee should, or we wish we did, the lack of interest can be rested on absence of the indefinable spark.  I can’t do that because intellectually we spark.\; the chemistry exists and it is mutual.  If the fates were to realign and place her into a size 2-20 body, I would cross six lanes of traffic to ask her to have drinks with me, but this day, like every other day our paths have crossed, I choke on the invitation before she leaves.

I am not certain that the superficial demons on my right shoulder have shouted down more enlightened angels on my left; but I don’t like what it says about me either way.



*the evolutionary cross between sarcasm and snark

* her love of baseball is substantively mitigated by the fact that she is a Red Sawx fan


15 Responses to Are You Faking or For Real – What’s the Deal Dapper

  1. Bodies are works of art. Much as you can be more drawn to the arc of a sculpture or the curve of a brushstroke, you can be more drawn to the arch of a women’s foot or the curve of her lower back. It doesn’t mean you are devaluing the other art work, it is simply that it isn’t as much your taste.

  2. laloca says:

    we find sexually attractive what we find sexually attractive. most of it’s hardwired – the physical, the pheremonal. some of it’s probably also socially conditioned. but i don’t think it’s necessarily superficial, just because the primary sensory input is visual, or an indication of a human failing.

  3. Vie says:

    You clearly find a wider range of shapes attractive than most, refugee. But sometimes the sexual spark isn’t there, even when we want it to be. We hope it all aligns with one person.

    I’ve been in this position with a man before – I was clearly a few sizes too large for him to find me very sexually attractive in spite of the fact that we had fantastic intellectual chemistry and a flirtatious bent to boot – but, I didn’t really take it personally. Sexuality is largely undefinable. Instead, we became great friends. A woman of any size deserves to be loved in ALL ways for who she is, body and soul. No one wants to feel like a consolation prize, and there’s nothing worse for a woman’s self-esteem than dating someone that she suspects isn’t physically attracted to her.

    I get that I am doing right by her by not exploring this further when I’m not fully interested. I just wish that I were more interested because I am but not enough.

  4. Alice says:

    i like to think i’m not bound by a certain ideal when it comes to who i date – i mean, looking back at my exes, they certainly aren’t a GQ spread 🙂 – but when it comes down to it? physical attractiveness IS involved. it doesn’t mean that person has to be the pinnacle of hot, but i don’t feel guilty about needing to be able to be turned on by them physically, in addition to being stimulated mentally.

    Physical attractiveness is a very important element, I just think that when we limit the things that attract us to things the other cannot control.

  5. Christina says:

    While the intellectually spark is there it is hard to reconcile that the body does not match the mind. We are each attracted to different people but there has to be some fit of the whole package.

    Is it shallow, sometimes yes. But on the other hand, we may not be the other person’s type either.

    And being friends sometimes is so much better!

    Friends are certainly better than trying, failing, and ruining the friendship.

  6. k8 says:

    THere has to be some sort of spark, right?

    The spark is all intellectual, emotional and not even the least bit physical.

  7. elle dubya says:

    the same thing can be said in reverse – i’ve dated a few men who were most definately easy on the eye but couldn’t hold a conversation in a paper bag. needless to say, i didn’t feel guilty for not pursuing them any further, just as you shouldn’t feel guilty in this situation.

    Sadly, the pretty but dim (or simply not as bright as we might want) are so easily found. The one’s with whom we have real intellectual connections are hard to find without regard to their outer package… which is what makes this so difficult.

  8. Lemmonex says:

    Maybe I am being an asshole here–or merely realistic–but I know I can be exceedingly superficial. I like what I like and sometimes I cannot blame myself or my vagina. Bring on the dirty boys.

    Not an arse, very realistic, and I don’t think it’s superficial either. I think that it’s just what you want in the same way that I want what I want. That those things are different is to be expected, and there is no value inherent in more or one than the other.

  9. kitty says:

    you are harder on yourself than is entirely necessary. you can’t be with someone who you find physically gross, no matter what. this is what i personally find hard about internet dating because physical attraction, while not everything, has to exist in order to continue.

    I think it all depends on the width of that which you find physically attractive. My width is larger than most and I just wish that she wasn’t outside of it.

  10. jamy says:

    You have just described one of my best friends. I hope that she will find someone deserving of all she has to offer someday. But I don’t think she would blame you either–it would be an insult to her if you were to pursue her DESPITE her looks. You have to want the whole package.

    People are like a pill. You can’t cut off the end because its the part that you don’t like – either want it whole or not at all. In other words, I couldn’t agree more.

  11. justjp says:

    Great Pharcyde reference! I am with Lexa, bring on the trashy girls. I just know what I like.

    Thank you, I was wondering if anyone would catch that – the reference was a bit obscure. And you should have all of the trashy girls you want, because that’s what you want.

  12. One of my exes had a gap between his front teeth and a bald spot on the back of his head, two things he repeatedly pointed out to me. Also two things I never noticed. And I guess that’s the point. When it’s meant to be, you don’t notice.

    That very same ex also went on to break up with me because, after gaining 5lb, he claimed I was no longer attractive. Or as I like to put it, I was too fat to fuck. Which only further supports my previous comment.

    If it’s meant to be and therefore one doesn’t notice such things, then are you suggesting that you could possibly know that it is meant to be before seeing these things, or that they fade away in time.

  13. LiLu says:

    Knowledge is half the battle.

    Or something?

    Yeah, I’ll take it.

  14. f.B says:

    Sure: we could break down all the reasons we like what we like; our conditioning; how even our conditioning has been conditioned, etc. Or — or — we could just like what we like and remember not to think less of those who aren’t what we like. I think that’s totally fair.

    My only caveat, or addendum, in agreement with your position need be discussed when beer is involved.

  15. A says:

    The heart wants what it wants.

    Sure, I just never want it to overly drawn to looks because the sickle’s compass will come and love can not be time’s fool… I do hope that Shakespeare will forgive that paraphrasing.

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