Ten Things I Would Have Tweeted This Week if I Twittered*

  1. Red pumps with a black business suit = great; red pumps with black ball gown = hooker.
  2. Every man should have the experience of saying no to a woman who is unaccustomed to hearing the word.  It is an invigorating experience.
  3. The likelihood of a dude getting laid on Saturday night is inversely proportional to the degree of tooldom he displays to the bar staff.
  4. Every time I watch Top Chef it makes me want to drive to Zaytinya, find Mike I and repeatedly punch him in the face.
  5. I know that this is an inside joke, but LiLu did you invent this http://ninjaoffer.com/?
  6. Overheard at the bar: The only way she got into those pants was with a stick of butter and the grace of God.
  7. Get over to Little Miss Whiskey’s before it’s too cold to enjoy the best patio in the city.  Don’t expect Whiskey.
  8. You know you’re old when: you’re talking to a woman in a bar and realize that you once dated her mother.
  9. Why do fun size Snickers bars taste so much better than their full sized brethren?
  10. A woman sitting next to me on the train just quoted Pablo Neruda; I would have fallen if she wasn’t married.

* Any of you should feel free to correct the conjugation of those verbs.

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19 Responses to Ten Things I Would Have Tweeted This Week if I Twittered*

  1. LiLu says:

    That thing is TOTALLY like a ninja.

    Oh, that memory is painful…

    So glad you added the link so the joke is less inside baseball.

  2. bethany says:

    You totally get points for Neruda.

    The woman next to me got even more points because she quoted a poem from memory… like more than a line… I was severely impressed.

  3. rondamarie says:

    “Ten Things I Would Have Twat This Week if I Twittered” no, wait, that can’t be right. Tweeted is probably correct.

    And who gets to decide on the proper conjugation of an invented word besides the inventor? Perhaps if I actually did twitter, then I could have searched the site for the official answer.

  4. shine says:

    1. Agreed
    2. And vice-versa
    3. Eh, women are stupid, even more so when they’re drunk.
    4. If you do, please take me with you. That guy is such a prick.
    5. I don’t know anything about that.
    6. Yum
    7. This might make more sense if I weren’t in Texas.
    8. Ouch
    9. Proportions, that’s why. More chocolate per insides.
    10. Falling hurts.

    Maybe you should start twittering, no?

    Falling inevitably hurts… even if you like that kind of pain; and the thing that really keeps me from twittering is not wanting to read other peoples.

  5. lacochran says:

    On #2: You do seem to get a perverse glee out of it.

    On #9: The nougat/caramel/peanut/chocolate ratio alters when reduced to “fun size”. Hence, expansion of the funness ratio. I could do the equation if I had a white board.

    I don’t know if I would call it a _perverse_ glee, more of a bonus on the very rare occasions when it needs to occur. On that other thing, I would need to see your work before I can give full credit for the answer.

  6. Christina says:

    I was just thinking that a fun size snicker bar is so much better than the full size. It was my day dream thought of the day yesterday. It is the perfet amount of chocolate to stop the crave!

    I used to keep an emergency supply in my office for really craptastic days.

  7. Brando says:

    Re: #1: Have I missed something or are hookers running around in ball gowns now?

    Ever been to Capital Grille on a Friday Night?

  8. Lemmonex says:

    I wore red shoes to a black tie last night and I thought I looked decidedly unhookerish.

    I am positive that you were a lovely exception that didn’t necessarily disprove the rule.

  9. kitty says:

    kudos on the syntax, and hilarious on the stick of butter comment. love snark, especially of the overheard variety.

    Randomly finding snark is almost as good as finding beer.

  10. I heart you man. I really do.

    Back atchya, my Canadian free health care having friend.

  11. k8 says:

    Do NOT say no to me. I will cry.

    I would struggle to even imagine a reason why I would.

  12. elle dubya says:

    i’m adding “tooldom” to my repertoire. it’s fantastic.

    Thanks – the only problem with the word is that there are so many examples of it all around us that we risk overexposure.

  13. #8 – OUCH….I’ll add a bit of salt to the wound, if you dated her mom, you could be her father….

    In my defense, when her mom and I dated she was a few to several years my senior and her daughter just became old enough to be in the bar. Also in my defense, there was never anything flirtatious on my part as I knew she was waaaaay too young for me.

  14. Lemmonex says:

    I’m sorry…did you just call me a hooker?

    Just to clarify… I was suggesting that you were obviously an an exception to a rule that I made up to explain to a friend why certain shoes didn’t work with the dress she was considering. I still think that it is a solid rule of thumb and as with all rules there are exceptions [see you] but also with all rules a few exceptions doesn’t disprove it (in fashion not science.) My apologies for the confusion.

  15. Am I the only one who’s happy you blog-posted this rather than Twittered it??

    You might be the one of two or three…

  16. Amen to 1. I’d also like to expand on this fashion tidbit and note that if you swap “red” with “animal print shoes” (preferably done in horsehair), the rule still applies.

    And regarding 8, I once went out with a guy and halfway through our date realized that his son not only went to my old prep but he too had Vicky Nees for sixth grade. It was our last date.

  17. Nick says:

    Umm… You should Twitter… I would say those are better than 99.9% of the normal twitter blahblahs…

  18. Isabel says:

    Loved these 10 hypothetical tweets. I see that you’ve been flirting with the idea of twitter. You should plunge in. I’d follow you & I’d even re-tweet some of these! And re: #9, precisely the reason I like twitter better than blogs: tweets are fun-size nuggets of wit.

  19. […] the name of this blog and my real name just in case either suddenly become famous.)  As I have done in the past, the following 140 character or less thoughts, questions, statements of philosophy, […]

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