Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame…

For the record, I am high as a kite as I write this.  I am hopped up on pain killers and under the influence of chemicals for only the second time in my life (besides CH3CH2OH which is also known as booze to you non-science geeks – apparently I feel extra clever when I am high.)  This is the conversation I had with my doctor to get the Percocet:

 

Doctor: So what seems to be the problem?

Refugee: I have been having severe lower back pain, most acute in the morning, since I woke on Sunday.  It eased a bit through the day but returned yesterday and this morning.

Doctor: How severe is it?  Tell me the most painful thing you’ve ever felt and use that pain as a ten and then rate it on a 1-10 scale with a needle stick being 1.

Refugee: In college, I tore my ACL, PCL, and Meniscus playing football.  I’d say that was ten and this is about a seven or eight.

Doctor: Where exactly is the pain?

Refugee: It’s concentrated on the right side but it’s there on the left side too.

Doctor: You said it eased as you went through the day, did you do anything specific to try to make it go away?

Refugee: This is going to sound silly but I went to WebMD.com and they said that most lower back pain can be eased with warm compresses, some stretching and a little movement.  So I tried that and it worked enough for me to continue with my day.

Doctor: Same thing yesterday morning?

Refugee: Yes… well mostly the same thing – stretching, warm compresses and some walking.

Doctor: OK, lay on your stomach and I am going to poke around a bit.  (Starts kneading my back like pizza dough)  Does this hurt?

Refugee: like hell.

Doctor: Did you have any physical activity the night before the pain started?  Lift anything heavy? Play any sports?

Refugee: sort of… I mean not really.

Doctor: I see, so what exactly do you mean by “sort of, not really?”

Refugee: Ummm, there was some physical activity, punctuated by some sleep, and then more activity.

Doctor: OK, so this is a sexual injury?

Refugee: Look, Doc, don’t get me wrong.  I’m not a cold fish, but it wasn’t exactly acrobatic either.  I only mention it because… well because I know what can happen when you don’t…

Doctor: …You don’t play tennis for a couple of months and suddenly you do and your muscles get really sore?

Refugee: Exactly

Doctor: and it had been a while?

Refugee: do you have this conversation often, or something?

Doctor: More often than you might think.  So, uhhh, how many sets did you have that night?

Refugee: three, I think and a few the night before too.  But, this doesn’t feel like that kind of injury; and like I said there was nothing overtly acrobatic about it.

Doctor:  You can sit up now.  Here’s the thing, from what you describe, it appears that you tweaked something in your back.  Your injury isn’t skeletal, it’s muscular.  You probably just pulled a muscle.

Refugee: Tweaked it?  Really eight years of med school and you tell me I tweaked it?

Doctor: That’s the term they taught me at the med school in Grenada.

Refugee: I’m going to assume that you’re joking about that Grenada part.

Doctor: Yes I am.  Listen, you’re at the age when the back just starts to get cranky every now and then.  You played football in college, right?

Refugee: Yeah

Doctor: well two things: one, you know that kinda pounding takes a toll on your body; and two, after a long time away from exercise, you know enough to stretch first, right?

Refugee: you want me to stretch before being intimate with a woman?

Doctor: I know it sounds funny, but would you rather do that or have to tell a woman that she Broke You?

Refugee: Funny, that’s what she said.

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18 Responses to Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame…

  1. magicjones says:

    I agree, you gotta stretch man.

    I think I just need more exercises.

  2. Titania says:

    Not quite sure about the stretching idea. I can imagine the scene… Start getting in the mood, progressing to get more in the mood, heavy petting here and there… and then, stop and tell the counterpart that you need to stretch before continuing. Priceless. Although, chances are you may not get any. Did you ask the doctor whether he stretches before doing the deed?

    I might have asked him, had I not been more embarrassed by the fact that He was a smoking hot She at least eight years my junior.

  3. Shannon says:

    I don’t know, maybe you could introduce a little romance into the stretching. Light a few candles, put on some soft music, put on your sexiest sweats and stretch out the old hamstrings…

    Seriously how would that work?

  4. magicjones says:

    The girls may have a point,
    only stretch if you can look
    really cool doing it, but
    then you look like a real
    dumbass if you pull a hamstring
    or something during the act.

    Oh!

    Wait!
    I figured it out.
    You know how girls
    always have to run to
    the bathroom beforehand,
    that’s what they’re doing
    in there, stretching!!!

    There will be no “pre-game” stretching. I am sure that more frequent exercise in general will prevent recurrence.

  5. Lemmonex says:

    The cursed sex sprain. Thank god I am young!

    …and this was an awful way (from the doctor, not the other thing) to learn that I am not.

  6. justjp says:

    Brilliant Story! Enjoy the high.

    Oddly, drugs scare the shit out of me. If I have to take the pills for one more day, the rest will be flushed.

  7. Sara says:

    I’ll take a cranky back on a happy man any day. Work through the pain, it will get better.

    Assuming that it will be a more frequent occurrence, I am sure that there are some stretches I can do hours before.

  8. SingleGirl says:

    I would claim copyright infringement on the title, but I laughed my ass off at this!

    I won’t pretend even for a second that this post’s title wasn’t lifted from yours (or the song it referenced.)

  9. I do adore you (and yes, she’ll be telling all of her lady friends that she broke a man….)

    So clearly you understand why I can never disclose such facts.

  10. girlofwords says:

    Ohh … I feel your pain. 😦

    And I wish I had your percocet.

    I am sure you can feel my pain, but thanks to the Percocet, I damn sure can’t.

  11. ella says:

    oh sheesh…if this is what happens between games then i’ll be in traction my next time up.

    I had a quipy, pithy response to your comment, but I swear the drugs swept it away… I guess I could make some remark about practice against hte wall, but I try to resist the easy ones.

  12. Gilahi says:

    At least you got the order right. It’s sex, drugs and rock & roll. I expect your next post to be about rock & roll (and Jimmy Buffet does NOT count).

  13. lacochran says:

    Lift with the knees, RR. The knees.

    I hope you’re feeling better soon.

  14. brookem says:

    i hear couples yoga is all the rage?

    but seriously, hopefully that back is on the mend asap so you can give it another go and hope for the best.

  15. kathleen says:

    this is as strong an argument against celibacy as i’ve ever heard.

  16. f.B says:

    Repetition, repetition, repetition. It’s either a cure or a disaster for your back. But it’s worth the risk, right?

  17. The Girl says:

    That is freakin’ hilarious 🙂 I’m sad to hear about the pain, but this post was officially my first giggle of the day.

  18. […] years of high swells. Through numerous conversations with my doctors, I have steadfastly resisted their entreaties to allow them to medicate the problem (and me) into submission.  Until recently, that […]

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