I Had no Intention of Blogging Today… Until…

I’ve known Jackson for a few years – we have thrown back a few drinks, had a couple of substantive late night conversations, and been together on both sides of a bar – though I do not consider our relationship particularly close.  I have met his girlfriend, Samone, once; it was a couple of weeks ago when Jack and I found ourselves at the same bar and involved in a group conversation with a few other regulars.  Samone brightened the bar’s door on the tail end of the evening after she had been bar hopping her way through a Girls Night.  I remember her – truly stunning women tend to make lasting impressions – but would never have expected her to remember me.  It was late, the bar was dark, and she had clearly enjoyed her evening.

When I opened my email this morning I had a message from Samone, via an on-line dating site.

“I can’t even remember now how I stumbled upon your profile, but I do remember it had something to do with your photo. I admit, I was drawn in by your sexy look, but I liked what you had to say, too. If you’re so inclined, take a peek at my profile (it’s pretty exhaustive) and maybe drop me a line? Maybe we could get a drink sometime?  I think we would have a god time if we went out.”

I was almost certain it was her from the photograph and details in the profile, but I needed to be certain.  Detective Refugee emerged.

I joined Facebook so I could “friend” Jackson and check his relationship status.  Facebook confirmed that Jackson and Samone are still engaged in an exclusive relationship if only in his mind.  One of the pictures in Samone’s on-line dating profile is the same picture that is visible on Facebook.  I’d confirmed all the relevant details but still had no clue how to proceed.

I poured myself a cup of coffee, smoked a cigarette on the patio and thought how I would want an acquaintance to handle this were I in Jackson’s shoes.  I wrote two emails: the first to him inviting him to have a drink with me later this weekend; the second to her.


Thanks for taking the time to write me; your words were kind and flattering.  We have met before – a couple of weeks ago Jackson introduced us at the bar.  He and I are getting together for a drink and to watch the game on Sunday.  I hope that you two will have a conversation regarding our email exchange before then.  I wish you the best of luck in the future.




I don’t know if I have done the right thing but I took a deep breath and pressed send to both emails.  I hope that beer with Jackson will not force my hand in this matter.  I would rather not have to tell another man that his girlfriend is actively looking for extracurricular activities while he’s looking for her Christmas present.  What would you have done?  What would you have wanted to happen if you were in either person’s shoes?


16 Responses to I Had no Intention of Blogging Today… Until…

  1. Lemmonex says:

    Wow, tough call. Sometimes people have arrangements…you never know. But I think you supplied a good out in saying you were meeting with him soon. She could write back and say “he knows”. Maybe wishful thinking?

    I don’t know what I would do. I would tell my best friend for sure…but acquaintances? Not so sure.

    That is the conundrum – not knowing him that well. I will update this post if I get a response from her.

  2. Shannon says:

    I probably would have told her that I knew her boyfriend, and that I knew they were still together, then hightailed it out of there. I only insert myself into the dysfunctional relationships of the people I truly love.

    I am quietly hoping that there will be no drinks, no football, and no need for me to discuss this with him until the next time we randomly cross paths.

  3. lacochran says:

    I think your message to her was well played. It gave her (and you) a graceful out.

    I don’t think I’d tell him unless I was very close to him.

    It’s hard to put myself in Jackson’s shoes because I don’t know what he’s set up. Maybe he’s looking around himself and hasn’t updated Facebook. One can hope. Then, again, maybe she’ll come to her senses and realize what a great guy Jackson is before she does any harm to the relationship.

    This would have been an easier call if I knew Jackson to be a great guy as opposed to a guy that I kinda like and don’t mind next to me on a bar stool.

  4. LiLu says:

    Wow! Dramz… I probably would have done what you did… although it was kind of you to give her warning. Maybe they’re on a break or something?

    PS… I joined Facebook so I could “friend” Jackson and check his relationship status.

    See?? It is a necessary evil.

    And my account has since been deleted.

  5. id have ignored the email…
    but the promise of a “god time” would have def intrigued me…;-)

    In retrospect, ignoring it might have been the best course of action.

  6. SingleGirl says:

    I’ve been here before. With a slightly different twist, there was a good friend involved. I told her that her boyfriend had found me on match, showed her his online profile. She confronted him. He lied. Apparently well. They stayed together. Finally broke up when it happened the second time.

    I think you did all you could. And I think you did well. Hope you feel at peace with it.

    I guess it was one of those “Baby, who you gonna believe – me or your lying eyes?” moments.

  7. Liebchen says:

    Wow. I think your email was right on – it’s up to her to speak with Jackson, not really up to you to tell him (as acquaintances).

    Good luck with it all – I know it has the potential to be a very sticky situation.

    Thanks. I really don’t want to tell him anything, hopefully I won’t have to.

  8. f.B says:

    if we were close, of course: tell. but as another guy, i don’t want to hear about this from just another guy. and being at a bar might make the situation more fragile (i.e., if it must be done, do it before the third drink).

    if the relationship isn’t really a relationship, there’s barely a conflict here. but if it is real, depending on how this guy measures his sense of pride, a helpful suggestion from an acquaintance may be worse than independently discovering his own ignorance. that seems obviously absurd in some ways, but to borrow from lacochran’s post earlier today, it is what it is, and you don’t sound invested enough in this to want to do crisis management if this blows up in your face.

    i thought the email to her was perfect, though.

    you make some very good points here. thanks.

  9. kjohnsonesq says:

    1. Gold star for dealing with that gracefully.
    2. Friend me on Facebook immediately.
    3. I’m excited about having another medium through which to harass you.

    1. thanks for the gold star
    2. I already deleted the account
    3. Sorry to disappoint you

  10. freckledk says:

    Unless he is a close friend of yours, you should probably take your ball and go home now. As fucked up as it is, it’s their business. You needn’t become an active player in their drama.

    I think I am walking away from the playground now.

  11. Lisa says:

    Oh, dreadful situation. I think what you did was perfect. I would tell a close friend but otherwise, like Shannon, I’d stay out of it

  12. Your email to her took ballz. But you’ve also left the ball in her court and she can spin her story any kind of way she wants to now (you hit on her, yadayadayada) so this could turn messy and wrong.

    I think I would have maintained radio silence.

  13. Wow. I don’t know what I would have done, but Jackson is lucky that he’s got an honest friend in you. Even if you’re not that close with him.

  14. Brett says:

    Hm. I think your email to her was spot-on. She will receive it and either: a) feel like an idiot because you caught her or b) feel like an idiot because she knew exactly who you were when she emailed you and you totally rejected her, and she will be embarrassed as hell.

    As for Jackson, I wouldn’t tell him directly – it’s not like you’re his close friend, and they are not engaged. There’s nothing you can do that won’t implicate you… He’s bound to trust/believe her, whatever story she might spin.

    As you left it I don’t think she has any choice but to be silent so as not to implicate herself. Good call.

  15. auntie says:

    Even though you’re not close with him, I think you should tell him about it, and for one simple reason…you KNOW she is actively looking for another guy. It’s not as if you saw her out somewhere and thought maybe she looked like she might be flirting with someone else, or anything else that could be misinterpreted. She is on a dating website and sent you an email to go out on a date. Pretty straightforward, I think.

  16. Angela says:

    i think your response was bold, honorable, and refreshing. Good for you.

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