Instructions to Avoid Getting Laid – Part II

I placed neither the face nor the voice when a thoroughly bundled woman sat next to me at the bar and said “it’s been a while since I’ve seen you, though I didn’t take you for a dive bar kind of guy the night we met.”

“I enjoy the more than occasional dive bar” I replied as I ran through my mental rolodex trying to provide a context for our meeting.

The tallish blonde escaped her coat, loosened her scarf, and settled into the faded and torn bar stool.  “I promise not to pick a fight with you, if you’ll let me buy your next drink” she said and provided me with the first hint.

“Sometimes healthy discourse is a welcome distraction; and I am happy to let you get the next round if I can get the following round.”

“Sounds like a deal.”

“I have to confess that you are vaguely familiar but I am having a hard time remembering your name or how we met” I say in a risky maneuver given my occasionally horrid memory – I hope we never dated.

“Refugee, we met one night at your normal watering hole watching the Olympics, I’m the Lightly Bible Thumping Blonde.”

The events of that night scroll through my head like bad television flashbacks.  Using my best poker face, I smiled as brightly as if I had been dealt situational pocket Aces instead of Seven-Two off suit and said “that’s right, good to see you LBTB.”

“Considering the way you left that night, that’s a surprise to hear” she parried back.

“That water passed the bridge months ago, let’s just leave it there and start again” I heard myself say in tone so conciliatory that it surprised me.

Acknowledging our new terms of engagement LBTB turned to the television and asked if I was pulling for either team in the football game.  “I hate both of these teams and as my friend, the Only Slightly Sleazy Lobbyist, might say ‘I’m kinda just rooting for injuries’” I say with a smile hoping that she gets the joke.

“Hey, I went to the University of Refugee Hate” she responds with mild offense before continuing “since you obviously didn’t attend our rival, why do you hate URH?”

“The first time we met we had a semi-unnecessary argument; I thought we agreed we were to avoid having one this evening.”

“Fine, so what are you doing on this side of town?  I thought you lived over by the bar where we met.”

“I had a client meeting earlier today on this side of town; I went to the coffee shop down the street to smoke a cigar and finish my newspaper.  I was ready for a beer before dinner so, here I am.  And you?”

“I live around the corner, this is my local.  So what do you have against my alma mater?”

I take a deep breath and a deeper pull from my beer before deciding to actually respond.  “It’s not just that URH has a dirty football program because almost all of the big ones are dirty to some degree.  My problem is that URH seems proud of being dirty, proud to have thugs on your squad, proud of the fact that your players don’t graduate.” I tried hard not to be smug, to moderate my tone and deliver my answer as dispassionately as possible.  Anyone want to set the odds on my ability to do that?

LBTB furrowed her brow a bit before saying “You’re what my daddy would call ‘a superior sonovabitch’” with more of a southern lilt than I had heard in her voice before.

“While you and your daddy may have a very valid point, it does not in any way refute my position about URH, its football team, or the reputation it cultivates.  And that is my problem with pseudo-thinkers of every stripe.  When confronted with an argument you don’t like, the first reaction is to attack the person behind the argument with the particularly spurious label of superior or intellectual as if I should be ashamed of either.  So do you have any actual response?”

We sat in silence for a moment.  LBTB took a long sip of beer, placed her glass down with more force than required, and squared her chair to face me. 

“Refugee, I can’t tell if you are calling me stupid or not, which might answer the question.  But that is besides the point.  I don’t understand you.  I think I have made it clear that I like you, and I don’t know how long I would have fun with you playing James Carville to my Marlee Matlin but I wouldn’t mind trying to have a conversation that doesn’t end in you being snotty and me being pissed.”

“You know, LBTB, since you are already convinced I am snotty superior sonovabitch, I guess there is no harm in saying that I am sure you meant to say Mary Matlin.”


28 Responses to Instructions to Avoid Getting Laid – Part II

  1. Fearless says:

    Congratulations on overcoming writers’ block.

    I suppose that being a Canadian that knows the difference between Marlee Matlin and Mary Matalin makes me some kind of Smug Foreigner.

    I don’t know if this qualifies as breaking the block, but thanks for the warm wishes. Oh, and Smug is the new black – pass it on.

  2. Lemmonex says:

    So, when it the date?

    We’re going to see a Kenny G show next week.

  3. Red says:

    Love it!

    Thanks, Red. While I do think I was well within the reasonable bounds of smugness – she asked twice – I do still wish I had been better able to refrain.

  4. awesome…
    and for the record…im not THAT blond…although if your in a dive bar your chances of running into me are pretty darn good..

    While we all know you are overwhelmingly blonde (I do prefer that spelling) I don’t think anyone would have suspected this was you.

  5. Kevin says:

    I can’t stand the not knowing…FSU or The U? I’m leaning toward Miami, but it’s six-four and pick ’em.

    Also, I don’t know if I’d have been able to keep myself from making the “Mary Matlin” correction either. It must have been like a big, fat hangin’ curveball right down the middle. Strong work.

    Zackly, how do I not swing at that pitch?

  6. Oh my! The next time you go out, I want to come with you and just be a bar fly and listen in on all of your retorts during conversations with those who are absolutely no match for your wit and intellect. Good Lord, but that was priceless!

    I swear I am blushing as I read this – you flatter me. Thank you.

  7. freckledk says:

    I think I like this broad.

    colour me surprised.

  8. i prefer it as well…but “with an e” was taken…imagine that…two of us … i shudder to think! and my “your” needed an e as well …oh my…please forgive,…

    you’re the only one in my book.

  9. LiLu says:

    You have a gift, my friend. I truly can SEE her seething.

    If we wish to call the proclivity for annoying women a gift – I’m with you.

  10. Aileen says:

    Interesting. Slightly confrontational banter seems to suit you…

    I think I’m pretty good with fully confrontational banter too.

  11. She gets props for being upfront. And I won’t’ penalize her for getting two mousy brunettes mixed up, especially since neither are technically worth remembering. However, she loses all points when she refers to her father as “daddy”. I know it’s a so called Southern thing but the same excuse could be made for double-wides, F-150’s, the KKK, Jamie Lynn & Britney Spears, and marrying your first cousin, none of which is okay in my book. Your final jab was deserved even if we differ on the justification.

    I have to admit that I was kind of impressed when she called me a “sonovabitch” and I found the “daddy” thing to be an endearing part of the southern charm. It was the hallow nature of her argument that provoked my inner bombast.

  12. kjohnsonesq says:

    Ohhhh! Keep her! Just so I can watch. And no, not like that.

    Unlike some friends of mine, I generally don’t keep Republicans as pets.

  13. I need instructions on getting laid. Please send help.

    If you think I have the how-to guide, there is a bridge in Alaska I would like to sell you.

  14. Lisa says:

    Hmm. I bet you’re going to have really hot sex. I bet she’s going to like you a lot more than you like her, though.

    There will be no sex with bible thumpers in my future.

  15. Greg says:

    Mary Matalin. Not Matlin. Matalin.

    How’s that for superior?

    I will always cop to being an inferior speller whose work would read like a moron’s without the aid of spell-check and sometimes does despite its help.

  16. Brett says:

    Ha, I’m with LiLu, you do have a gift!

    I use it a bit too often me thinks.

  17. liz says:

    Touché, stranger Greg!

  18. Brett says:

    and that was meant in the best possible way 🙂

  19. LiLu says:

    I meant your ability to translate images to paper, not your ability to annoy women. Which is also impressive, nonetheless.

    I know the only reason you sit next to me at lunch is because I don’t have anything nice to say.

  20. Liebchen says:

    For someone who promised not to pick a fight, she didn’t really follow through on her end of the deal, now did she?

    And I do love your parting note.

    Though I did try to steer the conversation away, I don’t think she had any idea how deeply I cared about the subject.

  21. OMG – Very funny. However, based upon your first encounter, is this the type of woman that would run into traffic for fun?

    On the interstate perhaps?

  22. lacochran says:

    “Refugee, I can’t tell if you are calling me stupid or not, which might answer the question.”

    *snort*! Priceless.

    And don’t worry, I won’t out you as the nice person you are in real life. That’ll just be our secret. You can be a smug, superior snot all you want.

    I have no idea what you mean when you say “nice;” I am always a smug, superior, sonovabitch.

  23. kjohnsonesq says:

    Pfft. Republicans make good pets. You can hug them and squeeze them and… And could you imagine Sarah Palin as a Furby? OMG. I want one now. Think of all the things you could do…

  24. Mandy says:

    Ya know, I’m not one to take jabs at other comments. Truly, it’s not in my nature to care that much and I know this is totally off point but…

    I find it completely ignorant to assume such a negative connotation of “so-called southern things” and link them with a term of endearment one uses, in jest or earnest, for their parent.

    For the record, double wides are all over this great big country as well as F-150s and monster Hummers which guzzle gas at the same MPH. One has to only turn on the news or flip through a grocery store US Weekly to recognize the messed up, underage, and under-educated trash that the entertainment industry is churning out on a regular basis, which I imagine has absolutely nothing to do with what state a person was born in.

    Don’t even get me started on why the KKK was even mentioned in a sentence on this blog…. I am constantly baffled by the stupidity of some people. Present and past.

    And yes, maybe I am getting a tad worked up about something that is meaningless to most people – but I’m so tired of hearing people trash talk any state below the Mason-Dixon line, that I wish I could sit them all down and make them eat grits and pecan pie until the keel over dead.

    End of rant. Sorry Refugee….

    Rant away, although I am fairly confident that the comment to which you refer was made in jest.

  25. kathleen says:

    while i think that senseless killing of various exgirlfriends is a terrible terrible thing, it’s posts like this one that keep me coming back. thanks.

    It is my pleasure – thanks for reading.

  26. Love it. Wish I could be so bold as to say what I want in the moment, rather than rehash the woulda shouldas later. You go, RR!

    Candor is my dual edged sword.

  27. kate.d. says:

    hmm, i was just watching a re-run of the west wing episode “posse comitatus” the other day, and had to go dig this up….a perhaps relevant bit of dialogue from the penultimate scene between president barlett and republican opponent ritchie:

    How many different ways you think you’re gonna find to call me dumb?

    I wasn’t, Rob. But you’ve turned being un-engaged into a Zen-like thing, and you shouldn’t enjoy it so much is all, and if it appears at times as if I don’t like you, that’s the reason why.

    You’re what my friends call a superior sumbitch. You’re an academic elitist and a snob. You’re, uh, Hollywood, you’re weak, you’re liberal, and you can’t be trusted. And if it appears from time to time as if I don’t like you, well, those are just a few of the many reasons why.

    popular southern phrase, or amusing incident of tv plagiarism? you be the judge 🙂

    Or perhaps mere coincidence. I am going to presume that you are not actually accusing me a plagiarism, which I think most everyone would agree is the most serious charge you can level against a writer of any variety. And I am going to resist the urge to delete this comment. I am going to further presume that your humor didn’t translate for me in this electronic forum, because the alternative would be for me to think that you were being rude and I generally make a habit of giving the benefit of the doubt to others.

  28. kate.d. says:

    holy crap, no, i meant HER! that SHE was lifting the line. sorry, apparently should’ve been waaaaay more clear than that. also, note to self, should probably avoid using the term “plagiarism” in any blog comments, ever.

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