The subject has been much addressed on each side and while I loathe writing about anything that has been over-blogged I feel compelled to vent about the coffee war. I was drawn into this unspoken battle by a particularly wordy coffee request from a gentleman in line ahead of me today followed closely on the heels of another gent who provoked my ire a few days prior.
I detest Starbucks for the manner in which it has dumbed-down coffee and added scores of inane permutations to one of god & man’s most perfect creations – a cuppa joe. I revile the over-roasted beans they use; and I have particular venom for their avaricious business practices that have made the independent coffeehouse largely a relic of days past. Nor am I too thrilled with myself for succumbing to my baser urges and occasionally frequenting the unavoidable.
Coffee is simple, it has two pure expressions – a cup of French Press and the Espresso. Reasonable adulterations have been added through the years – the Café Americano, the Latte, the Cappuccino and the oh so glorious morning-saving, hangover-correcting Red Eye. Those expressions come in sizes – normal universally understood sizes – raise your hand if you have a problem with small, medium, and large.
While I can understand and largely pardon the affected changing of sizes to create brand identity, I am done with all of the Half Caffe, two pump shot of bullshit, extra hot, skinny, no foam (as if that really has a place,) what-the-fuck-are-you-talking-aboutiato’s. The people who order them and the horse that brought you – I’m done with you too.
New Rule – Restaurant Refugee Rule #67 (no you haven’t missed 1-66; I am just guessing there are at least 66 more important rules I would love for society to follow than this) If you can’t determine how to order a coffee concoction in fewer than 5 words, find another drink. Cotton Candy flavored hot soda comes to mind.
RRR #68 – if you don’t know what you want to order from the same menu you have seen approximately 9,835 times in the last year, you are not bright enough to exist on this island and I am now empowered by the spirit of Darwin to vote you off by unanimous consent of all those possessing more IQ points than years referenced in Lincoln’s greatest speech.