If You Can’t Write…

… at least give some advice, a reader wrote to me in an email that expressed sympathy for my recent bout of writers block.  The following are random bits if advice I have collected and dispensed in the last year.

On relationships (uppercase R and lowercase r): Everyone has taken a pill in their lives.  Every medicine has potential side-effects; in conjunction with Doctors, parents, and other parties of authority, the patient has to weigh the severity and likelihood of the side-effects versus the potential medicinal value.  One cannot cut off the end of the pill that is associated with the negative impact; we either choose to swallow the pill whole or not.  People are the same way.  Learn the side-effects of a potential friend, partner, lover, etc. and make a choice – take them whole or not at all.  By the by, learning your own side-effects is a good thing too.

On dating: Dating is akin to a negotiation – getting to the No.  The objective is not to find a life partner, a better objective is to eliminate someone from contention.  Get to the No, get there as quickly as possible.

On Shopping: When in doubt, buy it; almost everything can be returned.

For Gentleman on Understanding Women: Go to the bar, order a pint of beer.  Take a sip.  The sooner we learn that what we know about women wouldn’t fill the rest of that pint glass, the better off we will be.

On Dining Late Night in DC: There is no better food available in DC or the surrounding area than the late-night menu at Cashion’s Eat Place – available Friday and Saturday midnight to 2am.  Should you find yourself hungry after 2am, get yourself to Annie’s Paramount Steakhouse.  Don’t order the steaks.  Do order the clams casino. Do say hello to The Blonde.

On Kissingread me.

On Sports Bars: A good place to watch a game has nothing to do with the jerseys on the walls, autographed whatevers strewn about, or the specials on beer (assuming you want to call Miller Lite beer.)  A good “sports” bar is more about the absence of jackassery amongst patrons, a good TV and a better bartender.

On Reading the Newspaper: Learn the subway fold whether you ride the subway or not.

On Arguments: Usually the first person to yell in an argument is tacitly conceding that their argument lacks merit.

On Poker: If you can’t identify the sheep at the table after two hands, it’s probably you.

On Dancing: If high school boys knew that irrespective of looks knowing how to dance will get them laid at every wedding they attend, lessons would be by wait list only.

On Jokes: It is good to know several good jokes at a party, but it is great to only tell one.

For Gentleman on Buying a Lady a Drink: Repeat after me: buying a woman a drink entitles me to nothing more than the privilege of paying for her drink.

On Gambling at Pool: Never gamble with someone who has a multi-word name (i.e. Uptown Tony, Six Finger Mike, Jersey John)

On Dating: Treating service staff rudely is the reddest of red flags.

For Political Advisors on Prepping an Unprepared Candidate: You can pour a gallon of water into a thimble but when you’re done it will still only hold a thimbleful of water.


9 Responses to If You Can’t Write…

  1. brookem says:

    amen to the waitstaff one. and most all of them, especially the buying a woman a drink topic.

  2. Angela says:

    not sure i’m with you on the dating advice. i’m more of the “enjoy it for what it is” kind of person. dating is fun, if done well. not always part of a quest.

    unless i didn’t understand your blurb on dating…. which, honestly, i’m not sure if i did.

  3. Brett says:

    the dating- so true. it’s either there or it’s not. the second you realize something’s missing, cut it short. you can have more fun with your friends or on your own.

  4. Angela says:

    huh… interesting. i may be unique. i have developed friendships with people i have dated. many times. just because they aren’t someone to be the only one i’m with for the rest of my life…. doesn’t mean i don’t like them. doesn’t mean the attraction can’t be fun. doesn’t mean future experiences aren’t something to look forward to.

  5. the blond reallllly appreciates it…if you hand her a vodka tonic…when you say hello…

  6. kjohnsonesq says:

    There’s that pesky analogy again…

  7. Kristin says:

    I have mental images of dating flowcharts, most of the decision points leading to “no.” Almost makes me want to build one.

    I’ve been working too much.

    Also thinking about buying drinks. When I buy them for guys, it doesn’t mean more than a hope to continue a conversation for the first sip or two. Maybe a whole beer. Maybe not.

  8. Amen on the shopping. And if you cannot decide between 2 – buy them both!

    I’m having a serious case of writer’s block…not sure anyone would want my advice though.

  9. OMG….could not stop laughing with the dancing advice. It is so true. A man that can dance is so very sexy.

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