If You Can’t Write…

2 October 2008

… at least give some advice, a reader wrote to me in an email that expressed sympathy for my recent bout of writers block.  The following are random bits if advice I have collected and dispensed in the last year.

On relationships (uppercase R and lowercase r): Everyone has taken a pill in their lives.  Every medicine has potential side-effects; in conjunction with Doctors, parents, and other parties of authority, the patient has to weigh the severity and likelihood of the side-effects versus the potential medicinal value.  One cannot cut off the end of the pill that is associated with the negative impact; we either choose to swallow the pill whole or not.  People are the same way.  Learn the side-effects of a potential friend, partner, lover, etc. and make a choice – take them whole or not at all.  By the by, learning your own side-effects is a good thing too.

On dating: Dating is akin to a negotiation – getting to the No.  The objective is not to find a life partner, a better objective is to eliminate someone from contention.  Get to the No, get there as quickly as possible.

On Shopping: When in doubt, buy it; almost everything can be returned.

For Gentleman on Understanding Women: Go to the bar, order a pint of beer.  Take a sip.  The sooner we learn that what we know about women wouldn’t fill the rest of that pint glass, the better off we will be.

On Dining Late Night in DC: There is no better food available in DC or the surrounding area than the late-night menu at Cashion’s Eat Place – available Friday and Saturday midnight to 2am.  Should you find yourself hungry after 2am, get yourself to Annie’s Paramount Steakhouse.  Don’t order the steaks.  Do order the clams casino. Do say hello to The Blonde.

On Kissingread me.

On Sports Bars: A good place to watch a game has nothing to do with the jerseys on the walls, autographed whatevers strewn about, or the specials on beer (assuming you want to call Miller Lite beer.)  A good “sports” bar is more about the absence of jackassery amongst patrons, a good TV and a better bartender.

On Reading the Newspaper: Learn the subway fold whether you ride the subway or not.

On Arguments: Usually the first person to yell in an argument is tacitly conceding that their argument lacks merit.

On Poker: If you can’t identify the sheep at the table after two hands, it’s probably you.

On Dancing: If high school boys knew that irrespective of looks knowing how to dance will get them laid at every wedding they attend, lessons would be by wait list only.

On Jokes: It is good to know several good jokes at a party, but it is great to only tell one.

For Gentleman on Buying a Lady a Drink: Repeat after me: buying a woman a drink entitles me to nothing more than the privilege of paying for her drink.

On Gambling at Pool: Never gamble with someone who has a multi-word name (i.e. Uptown Tony, Six Finger Mike, Jersey John)

On Dating: Treating service staff rudely is the reddest of red flags.

For Political Advisors on Prepping an Unprepared Candidate: You can pour a gallon of water into a thimble but when you’re done it will still only hold a thimbleful of water.