Random Lessons from Restaurant Life

If a porn star invites you to take her for a drink, you go on the date if only to have a story that begins “So this time I went out with a Porn Star.”


If I can still smell your cologne after I have walked away from your table, you are 3.6 times more likely to be a bad tipper than the general population.


Contrary to common belief, the really pretty people don’t get the best tables – the really nice people do.


Couples over the age of 40 who engage in heavy PDA in restaurants are usually cheating on at least one spouse.


If you are meeting an on-line date for the first time, stating your date’s name as a declarative rather than a question is the first sign of success.


Opening with the statement “Refugee, the Mrs.’s had a really bad day so there will be some cursing involved in the evening, can we sit somewhere out of the way?” is certain to place you on my list of most favorite guests.


Food Critics have a psychic Bad Day Barometer and will only appear when the needle is pegged on Shittiest Day Ever.


Health Inspectors, Alcohol Inspectors, and Corporate Mucketymucks have the same Barometer.


Very few problems cannot be solved with a mostly honest answer, sincere apology, and champagne.


The former lesson also applies to dating.


I have never met a Scotch Drinking Woman I didn’t like.



No good comes from Bachelor/ette Parties.  Ever.




Cleaning problems in the Ladies Wash Closet is always more vile than those in the Gentleman’s.


Never get attached to any article of clothing worn in a restaurant.  It will eventually be ruined.


Treating children like small adults is much more likely to produce good behavior.


I would much rather hire smart people with no experience then someone with 15 years of bad habits I will eventually have to break.


Guests who dine later in the evening are almost always more fun.


Always give the dishwasher beer at the end of the night.


Truth is not a good justification for calling a Corporate Mucketymuck a feckless asshat.


9 Responses to Random Lessons from Restaurant Life

  1. A fun read and oh so true, I am quite certain!!!

  2. LivitLuvit says:

    Also, guests who drink are 150% likely to be more fun than those who don’t. Especially if it’s before 5pm.

  3. bettyjoan says:

    At my first restaurant job, bathroom cleaning was one of my responsibilities. And it always baffled me how absolutely DISGUSTING the ladies room would get.

    And amen on the cologne comment. And frankly, I think the dishwasher should get WHATEVER he wants at the end of the night.

  4. Lemmonex says:

    Also, don’t fuck with the hostess…she has the power to make you wait longer…and she will.

  5. Shannon says:

    Or, “A simple ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ are all that stands between you and server DNA in your pasta primavera.”

  6. navcity says:

    very interesting insight.Thanks.

  7. MIchelle says:

    RE – No good comes from Bachelor/ette Parties. Ever.. Ever.

    I am sure some good Jerry Springer/Maury Povich tv has been the result of Bachelor/ette Parties gone wrong….

  8. kjohnsonesq says:

    Re: Truth is not a good justification for calling a Corporate Mucketymuck a feckless asshat.

    What about calling him one behind his back? Surely that’s OK…

  9. koprime says:

    You forgot Famous People. Famous People get better tables and more free stuff than nice people.

    Otherwise, great! It’s amazing what free alcohol will do. Turns angry people waiting at the bar into new best friends.

    Oh, the stories I could tell, the names I could drop about which celebrities are the arseholes you expect and which are sweet as chesspie. However, in my mind, after doctor patient, lawyer client, there is bartender guest confidentiality in the constitution.

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