If You’re Going to Cheat, Don’t Leave Your Cell Phone Behind

While I was working at Anonymous Big Deal Restaurant, I found a cell phone in the banquette during my end of the night inspection of the room one evening.  It was too late to call the number listed as “home,” and the following day we were closed so I tucked the phone into my briefcase determined to find the owner in the morning.


I have made many of these calls in efforts to return phones that have gone astray; almost invariably the person on the other end is a bit bewildered before they understand that I am not trying to sell them something.  The woman that answered the phone spoke very little English but eventually she passed the receiver to “Mrs. Smith.”  I explained that I was the General Manager of ABDR and found this phone last night.  She was extremely grateful, and indicated that it belonged to her husband who was away on business.


“I would be happy to send the phone to his hotel.  Where in DC is your husband staying?”


Awkward silence.


“You’re in DC, not Chicago?” she asked, barely masking the growing anger in her voice.


Recognizing I had just put her husband in the jackpot and that there was nothing I could do about it, I attempted to be merely the dispassionate observer.  “Yes, ma’am, we are located in downtown Washington, DC.  Where would you like me to send the phone?”


“Ship it to my house; and address the package to me, please.” 


9 Responses to If You’re Going to Cheat, Don’t Leave Your Cell Phone Behind

  1. LivitLuvit says:

    Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh SNAP. That. Is. Hilarious.

    I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… karma is a vindictive little bitch.

  2. Lemmonex says:

    I would say something clever here, but I may be a little hungover thanks to SOMEONE.

    For real though, you can only hide this kinda stuff so long. It always comes out. Either that, or you go bald or impotent and you are punished in another way.

    I have nooooo idea what you’re referencing.

  3. i never call the HOME number…i always call the MOM number…

  4. Oh. My. God. What an asshat.

    One time my parents took disco dancing lessons at a local church (don’t ask) and some dude from our synagogue was in their class. My dad, being totally oblivious to the fact the dude’s dancing partner was a unfamiliar woman, complimented his shuffle moves to his wife when he ran into her at the local grocery store. Um, yeah, they were divorced within a year.

    I had a semi-regular walk into a restaurant I was running once. He was with a different woman than the one with whom he normally dined. I said “good evening Mr. Johnson, welcome back. Please tell Mrs. Johnson we missed her.” It was Mrs. Johnson this time. He didn’t come back after that.

  5. Cheaters are notoriously stupid. My EX thought I would believe it plausible for him to take 5 hours to run to walmart. Yeah…I’m blonde, but not THAT blonde.

    We are blunt instruments on occasion.

  6. OMG…that was a riot.

  7. Red says:

    Lying just gets too difficult. Too much to remember because it surely becomes a bigger pile of pooh than the lier expected.
    Plus Dudes that cheat do so because they are compensating for their teeny tiny penises. Haha

  8. freckledk says:

    I waited on one guy who came in at 5pm for a dinner date with one woman, and 8pm for a dinner date with another. He sat at the same table (in my section) and ordered the same meal twice.

    I do hope that he paid for your silence with a monster tip.

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