The Theory of Kissing Relativity

The Theory

Everyone thinks that they are a good kisser.  Many of you are mistaken.  I have kissed more women than need be mentioned here and while the quality of kisses has improved dramatically since the first one at summer camp with Kimberly Channing all those years ago, more than a few women kiss as well as Dubya runs a country.  They are, of course, outliers of the negative variety, just as the truly knee weakening kissers are outliers of the positive variety.  Most people exist under the heart of the bell curve where the quality of the kiss is dependant on the compatibility of kissing styles of the participants.  That compatibility is not the most important component of a relationship, however how can one truly get past it?


I once dated a woman that was a bad kisser – she used her tongue as a weapon to be precise.  Her positive qualities – drop-dead-gorgeous, insanely smart, very sexy, etc – were enough that I kept trying to make it work.  I tried to show her, gently, non-verbally, and eventually verbally, how I liked to be kissed.  She was unable / unwilling to change, and I was unwilling to have a serpentine tongue assault my mouth every time I kissed her.   


The Solution

After 30 minutes of a date, there shall be a mandatory kiss or get off the pot moment.  If either party has not garnered enough information to make that decision thirty minutes into date, then you actually have all of the information you need.  Why go through the steps of dinner, continue walking through that art gallery, or whatever other activity if kissing compatibility fails to exist?


Why allow emotions or expectations to build through the course of the night, only to have to place your date atop the just friends pile?  Surely both sexes would rather know early if the evening is a waste of make up, cleaning up, or the lucky underwear.


4 Responses to The Theory of Kissing Relativity

  1. caphill20210 says:

    I like your theory – yes the last guy I kissed thought I needed a teeth cleaning – yes TMI but ick………

    my ex-fiance I can honestly say was one of the best kissers, as well as nutbag from I went out with last summer.

    Great theory though and I support it

    Zipcode, I have to say that it is better in a theoretical world than in real life.

  2. Shannon says:

    The worst kissers are the guys who practically chew your face off, or drool. Or they angle their faces to cover up your nose…hey, jackass, how am I supposed to breathe, then? OH, I shouldn’t breathe? OK, thanks.

  3. Vittoria says:

    I once dated an otherwise perfect man who tried to hoover my lips off my face. We dated three separate times (for multiple months) before I called it off once and for all – being a bad kisser can really ruin your chances.

    wouldn’t it have been so much easier if you learned this before expectations?

  4. Vittoria says:

    Obviously. I definitely agree with your rules.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: