Moths Have Candles – Apparently I Have Hot Attorneys… or How YALIUD and I met – the Full Story

24 January 2010

YALIUD and I met back in 2004.  Close to eleven and a few times a week, she would arrive at the bar of the restaurant I was running at the time.  Three years removed from law school, she was a mid-level and fast-tracked associate at a white shoe law firm.  Most nights she would have a single malt while perusing the menu (for no good reason as she only ordered a pair of the same four things) and scribbling on a yellow legal pad.  When her appetizer arrived, she would move to a glass of red wine – whatever we recommended – and continue scribbling.  By the time the entrée arrived, she was ready to nurse her second glass and put away her work.

We were a convenient anesthetic for her as we were only a block away from her condo and we had a habit of sending her a complimentary dessert, and always ensured that someone walked her home if she had enough for that to be prudent.  The nights of her visits fluctuated, but she was always there on Tuesdays – the night that I chose to keep my bartending skills sharp.  We would always do the three drink, 45 minutes of work, maybe one more dance.  After a few weeks of regular patronage, she asked me for “a last drink of the night.”

After a few moderately successful but far from spectacular attempts, we settled on the Long Kiss Goodnight as her valedictory drink.  It was the right balance of soft, and spice, and cream and subtle for her.  She and I had the casual flirtation that is a tool a bartender’s uses more frequently than any jigger or shaker, but nothing further.

YALIUD had been coming to the restaurant for several months when I invited her to my private “Going Away” party for my last night there.  I was headed to another, higher end, restaurant.  One of the my favorite bands was going to play, one of my favorite distributors donated plenty of booze for the open bar, one of my favorite bartenders from another bar was kind enough to “guest” that night so all of the staff could attend.

“Have you ever seen the movie Good Will Hunting” YALIUD asked me as soon as she arrived at the party and before I could even say hello.

“It’s one of my favorites… according to my definition of favorites which is movies I have seen at least seven times and would watch again tonight” I replied.

“Ferfuckssaake, do you have to use every question as an excuse to pontificate?” YALIUD stated testily.

I wanted to give some variation of the “have you met me” defense but I have learned enough to know that sarcasm’s most receptive audience is not an angry woman – even more so when you don’t know why she’s angry.  I went with “Sorry – bad habit” instead.

“You know that scene in the Will and Skylar first meet in the bar?”  YALIUD said in what was only partly a question.

“Yeah” was my very cautious reply, you know the kind of “yeah” that takes almost three syllables to articulate because you’re not sure where things are going and don’t think you’ll like the destination.

“As she’s leaving she walks over to Will and says ‘You’re an idiot’”

“Right.”

“Yeah, well, you’re an idiot.  Why have you never asked me out?”

Mission Control to Mouth, Mission Control to Mouth, come in Mouth.

Mouth here, go ahead Mission Control.

Mouth, you are instructed to proceed with extreme caution.  The very attractive, and slightly annoyed woman is a notoriously dangerous creature – move forward with great care and godspeed, Mouth…. Mission Control out.

“May I get you a drink while I think of the best way to explain my obvious stupidity?”

I went behind the bar and grabbed the hidden bottle of scotch, Glen Garioch 21 year old, that I reserved for really great or really craptastic nights.   I poured two fingers into a heavy bottom rocks glass and returned to YALIUD.

“The explanation for my idiocy is more complicated than you might think” I said while placing the rich and complex single malt in her hand.  “You asked, so you’re going to get the full answer.  You are a stunning woman with a rapier wit and intelligence that you wear so gracefully.  Only a moron wouldn’t find you incredibly attractive.  But I’m in the restaurant business, which means that I generally avoid dating my guests because it’s most often bad for business.  Of course, I have made exceptions and I would be lying if I said I never thought about dating you.  The real problem is that despite the light flexibility of the aforementioned rule, there is no flexibility about staff asking out a guest.  I have fired people for doing that, so certainly couldn’t do it myself.”

YALIUD’s look made it clear that she understood my point, but I sensed a need to preempt the next question, now that I am leaving…

“And as much as I’d love to take you to dinner sometime, now that I am going to another restaurant, you should know what it’s like to date someone who runs a restaurant:

  • I will break plans with you at the last minute a minimum of three times before we actually have dinner
  • Most frequently we would only see each other after midnight
  • We would never get together on a Friday or Saturday night because I will always work those nights
  • When we do, finally, go to dinner, I will be interrupted by phone calls at least twice and leave you sitting at the table while I attempt to resolve the crisis du jour over the phone
  • I will never get to meet any of your friends unless you bring them to the restaurant, and even then I will have severely limited amounts of time to spend with you
  • Our social life will exist, by necessity, based on my schedule and there won’t be much that I can do to change that
  • I will be constantly distracted and preoccupied with thoughts of the restaurant.

“You still want to go on a date with me?”

“Wow, that was like a bad romantic comedy all condensed into forty seconds there” YALIUD replied snarkastically.  “You’re right, I probably don’t want to date you any more… taking you home is a different story though.”

7 Comments | advice I'm slightly qualified to give, apparently I cannot avoid an argument, bars aka where we get the booze, Crush with a big C, crush with a little c, dating, dumb things I have done, moths have candles - apparently I have hot lawyers, One that might have been something | Permalink
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Bricks on the Path to Hell

12 January 2010

Before we begin, I just want to remind everyone that the Valentine’s Day Dinner Contest is still accepting nominations.  Please nominate your favorite do-gooders for the chance to win V-Day weekend dinner from a personal chef.

I love cigar shops, the camaraderie, conversations, arguments, and certainly the professional connections. I love it all.  They exist across all manner of societal lines, and my regular shop is no exception.  When I left a really big deal meeting  recently (I wish I could tell you about it but I cannot) the cigar shop was a logical choice for a celebratory repast of coffee cake and a smoke.

There’s a Romeo y Juielta Cask Aged Lonsdale in my left hand and a Café Americano in my right.  I’m talking politics with Spoon, a nickname that I gave him because of his enjoyment in stirrin’ shit up, when a tall fella’ ambles over from the other side of the store.  He’s looking for a particular cigar but in a smaller size.  As is so common in cigar shops, this gentleman falls into our conversation or we fall into his.

“Yeah, I know you have the churchills but I need the robusto size… any longer and my wife starts yelling at me” the tall fella says to the tobacconist and in our general direction.

We are men which means our problem response is standard –fix it, buy it, or kill it.

Spoon offers one of his typical conversation grenades with “You just need to let her know who’s in charge!”  This is the kill it option.

“Maybe you should consider getting one of those propane heaters for your patio, that way you can smoke on the patio and maybe she won’t complain as much” suggests the tobacconist who happens to be a good friend as well as a shopkeeper.  That is the buy it option.

The tall fella laughs a bit at the first suggestion; it was the uncomfortable laugh of someone who hopes what was said was a joke.  The rest of us, who regularly smoke with Spoon, laugh too.  Our laughs are mostly directed at him because we know, despite the scrapes he gets on his knuckles while walking, that Spoon is a largely harmless anachronism of a different era.  We’ve also seen him with his wife and know that she most certainly doesn’t allow him to practice what he preaches.

Maybe because of academic training, or restaurant and sommelier experience, the inclination of the better part of me runs towards asking questions to better understand a problem.  (I am more than occasionally prone towards other responses, too.) “Where do you smoke?” I ask the tall fella.

“My wife lets me smoke in the basement… as long as the vents are open, the door is closed, and the smoke-eater is running.”

“Let’s you! She LET’S you smoke in the…” Spoon mocks before I interrupt and keep talking.

“Does she not like the smell of cigar smoke, or is it something else that triggers her anger?” I ask.

“Ya, know, she actually doesn’t mind the smoke – I wouldn’t say that she enjoys it; but it’s not a major problem for her.  It’s more like she doesn’t want me spending an hour in the basement a few nights a week after dinner.”

I take a pull from my cigar and say “Even with the understanding that free advice is normally worth exactly what you pay for it, I think your real issue is the disconnect while you’re down there.”

Tall fella nods a bit which I take as a signal to keep talking.

“You need to find a way to make your cigar time a communal time, to involve her.  Suppose that you two do the dishes after dinner and then you ask her to play some Scrabble with you, or backgammon, or chess, or maybe read together, or even read to her.  The point is to change it from something you do, to just a cigar that you smoke while you two do something together.”

The tall fella was effusive in his thanks; “That’s a really good idea, dude, I mean, that’s really good advice.”

“Yeah, Refugee, you should write a book or something” Spoon teases.

A couple of months have passed since that random exchange and when I ran into the tall fella at the cigar shop yesterday, I didn’t recognize him.  He saw me and crossed the shop to say hello.

“Hey, dude, I just wanna thank you for that advice you gave me a while back.  You were exactly right; her problem was more me being in the basement by myself.  Since then, we’ve played a bunch of board games, and read a coupe of books together and I get to smoke a cigar.  But it just goes to show that you need to be careful what you wish for, because I kinda learned I was going down there to escape her.”

“Sorry, my friend, I warned you it might only be worth what you paid for it.”

8 Comments | advice I'm slightly qualified to give, dumb things I have done, random stuff | Permalink
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Dancing with Your Own Devils in the Pale Moonlight

10 January 2010

For a man who gets paid to notice things in restaurants, I can be horrifically unobservant when I am really into something else – book, newspaper, conversation, or even my own thoughts.  Thiswas the case one recent evening when I was enjoying a cigar, a bourbon, and the editorial section of the New York Times at one of my usual haunts.  I didn’t notice the striking woman in the winter white pant suit until she was standing at my bar table.

“Hi there” she opened; “I need you to settle a bet for me” she continued without giving me opportunity to return her salutation.

“Good evening” I said while rising from my chair.  “How may I help you settle this bet; and would you care to have a seat while we resolve this?”

“Thank you, I would like to sit… and I’m Jessica”

“Jessica, I’m Refugee; it’s a pleasure to meet you.  Now what is the bet?”

“Well, my girlfriends and I” she said while pointing to two women sitting at the far end of the bar “saw your wedding ring…”

“Not  a wedding ring as I am wearing it on my right hand ring finger” I corrected.

“Exactly.  That’s the question.  We have it narrowed down to: you’re from some country where they wear wedding bands on that hand but I think your lack of an accent eliminates that, or you’re actually married but shift the ring to the other hand when you go to bars, or you’re gay and wear that ring to let other men know you’re available.”

I snickered a bit at the options before replying “There are a couple of flaws in your logic.  If I was the kind of married man who switched his ring in bars, why would I ever admit to it?  Also, I am not positive about this, but I am fairly sure that gay people, especially gay women wear rings on the thumb to indicate such – though that may just be an old wives tale.”

“OK, let’s check your left ring finger for tan lines then” Jessica said with a bit of a smile.

She inspected my hand and declared my hands tan-line free.  “You didn’t answer the question about being gay” Jessica noted.

“No, I didn’t… I am straight” I acknowledged and answered.

“So why the ring?” she pressed.

“It’s a long story, but the short version is that I bought it as a gift to myself and a reminder of the lessons I tried to learn when I took a yearlong sabbatical from women several years ago.”

Just as I finished, Jessica’s two girlfriends arrived at the table demanding to know the verdict on the bet.

“Well, none of us were right.  Apparently, Refugee here has another reason having to do with a ‘sabbatical from women’”

I stood and formerly introduced myself to Stephanie and Maria.  They sat down and we ordered another round of drinks.  Before the cocktails arrived, Maria asked “So tell us more about this sabbatical.”

I laughed to myself before answering “You know, I am normally much more of an open book type of guy, but that’s just a bit more than I am willing to discuss this evening.”

I hadn’t meant for that to be a conversational grenade, but the table was silent for an uncomfortable moment.  Stefanie broke the quiet with “Well then, Mr.-Normally-An-Open-Book-Refugee, what would you be doing if we hadn’t crashed your table?”

I drained the last of my bourbon as our server had just brought the next round and said “Literally just having a drink, smoking a cigar, reading and waiting for a phone call that I don’t expect to come… metaphorically, I’d be running towards the football and foolishly thinking that Lucy won’t snatch it away again… maybe starting another sabbatical.”

8 Comments | advice I'm slightly qualified to give, bars aka where we get the booze, booze & boozing, dating, deep quiet, dumb things I have done, skin hungry - to borrow a phrase, smoke in your eyes, something else I have started that I may or may not finish | Permalink
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Old Friends Found in Funny Ways

30 December 2009

Monica is the sixth child of Salvatore and Annalisa.

It is worth noting, just because it is, that a fifteen year old Salvatore lied about his age to get into the US Army and fought in the European theatre in World War II.  Upon getting out of the Army, he used the G.I. Bill to attend college and earn a PhD from Stanford.  He is an unmitigated intellectual badass with courage to spare and a drawer full of medals to prove it.

Monica seemed to have the wisdom, charm, and wit of her siblings running down hill to her.  She was one of that exceptionally rare breed of human – so kind, so interesting, so everything, that if you didn’t like Monica, it was probably your fault.  And for some reason, during her last year of grad school she chose to date me.

I was still pretty young too – fresh out of grad school and just starting to make a decent living. We were mostly up through the fall, briefly down in the winter, and the strangest of peaks and valleys that spring.  In retrospect, I am fairly sure that our inconsistent behavior, despite steady feelings, was primarily a product of two people adjusting too the new reality of adulthood.  I did have the pleasure of meeting her old a man just before Christmas and again at her graduation that spring.

Monica was stuck in New York for job interviews when she called and asked me to entertain her father until she could get back.  It happened to be the night of the inner office holiday party of the corporate titan for which I was consulting.  The party was held at one of the swanky pool hall/bar/lounge that became really popular in the mid 90s.  Being the pool snob that I was (fine, still am too) I had my sticks with me for the party and consequently when I walked in the hotel bar to meet Salvatore for the first time.

We had planned to grab a drink at the hotel and wait for Monica for a late dinner but as soon as he saw my cue case, Sal asked “someplace for us to get a game around here?”

I’ve mentioned my pool game before, and I’ve mentioned that I’m a pretty decent shot, but that doesn’t provide full context.  Standard pool ratings run from 2 to 7.  You’re average person playing in a bar that has a couple of coin operated tables is between a 2 and a 3.  The average person in my pool league is just better than a 4.  Back then, I ranged between a five and a six depending on how much I practiced.

A Short cab ride later we’re walking into my usual pool hall and headed for a corner table.  I was determined that I was not going be that guy – it’s bad enough that he knows I’m shtupping his daughter, does he really need to be a worse pool player too – but to make every game I lost look good.

In an odd way, I was playing incredibly well to just miss shots and have it appear that I really meant to hit them.  We played about a dozen games: I won three, Sal won three, and I gave him the other six.

Our conversation flowed easily and there was more of it than most games between serious competitors.  We really liked each other and, drank the same single malt.

By the time Monica arrived, Sal and I were full-on friends and I kept my losing percentage the same.  I was really proud of myself for losing so well.  When Monica went to the wash closest, Sal said to me “You know, Refugee, your games pretty good you should just practice some more.”

That burned a bit, but I was still in control.  A game later when Sal chortled at one of my misses and laughed “Poor Refugee, any time you get near the eight ball, you keep choking,” that was a bridge too far.

I didn’t quite run the next rack, but I wasn’t too far from it.

Sal just whispered in my ear “It’s about time you stopped laying down” and winked at me.

In return, I gave him my favorite line from the best pool movie ever.  “Just give me your best game, Fat Man, just give me your best.”

He laughed, and we continued playing until well after the place closed.

We played about even, if any one’s curious.

Salvatore died last week.  He leaves behind an amazing wife, six children, more grandchildren than I can count, and a really big fan on the other side of the country.

7 Comments | bars aka where we get the booze, billiards-breaks-and-balls, dating, dumb things I have done, In Memoriam, One that might have been something | Permalink
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And the R-Cubies Go To…

29 December 2009

Shameless Solipsism and a Couple of Wet Kisses have arrived in the form of the first annual (probably never do this again, but whatever) Restaurant Refugee Rewards or R-Cubes for short.  They are a collection of some of the posts of the last twelve months that had particular meaning to me, or got me in trouble, or simply had subjects that lent themselves to making another joke.  There are also a few other people’s work receiving awards today – though not nearly as many people as should get them so there maybe another installment of this tomorrow.

And the R-Cubies go to…

The Carrie Prejean Award for Pretty but Vapid Restaurants goes to Bar Dupont.

The What Would Happen If Dr. Ruth Looked Like Ginger Award for Sexpert Advice in the blogosphere goes to City Girl Blogs.

The Hallmark Award for Best Invention of a Holiday goes to National Crush Day

The Carl Lewis Sings the National Anthem Award for Shoulda Stuck to What you Know goes to All of my Attempts to Write Memes – Except this one which I thought was really good.

The James Lipton Award for Seemingly Simple but Terrifically Textured Questions goes to Megabrooke of Skrinkering Hearts who asked me “How Much is Too Much” in that interview meme that was going around at the beginning of the year.

The Infield Fly Rule Award for things you Should Know but Maybe Didn’t goes to Advice for Black Tie Galas and Capitol Hill Style’s Ball Tips and Tricks for Ladies that inspired it.

The Cowbell Award for Things I Need More of goes to Jimmy & Sophia.

The Urban Dictionary Award for Teaching me my Favorite New Phrase, Skin-Hungry, goes to I’m Gonna Break Your Heart.

The Oscar Wilde Award for Booze as Creative Lubricant goes to My Weekend as Three Rounds of Jeopardy.

The Max Roach Award for Consistently Leaving Comments Better than the Post that Inspired Them goes to my friend Brad.

The Joe Isuzu Award for Forcing Me to Be Creative with Truth goes to the Unnamed Woman Who Inspired This Post.

The Sarah Silverman Award for my Favorite New Funny and Irreverent Blogger goes to –The Fooler Initiative–.

The Don Imus Award for Unintentionally Causing Controversy goes to The Open Letter to a Few Women and the Subsequent Follow-Up.

The Snuggie Award for Ideas that Seemed Fun Conceptually but in Reality Not So Much… goes to Blog Reader Bingo.

The If Dr. Phil Wasn’t Such a Tool Award for Good Advice Given goes to A Guide to Fighting Fairly.

The Jennifer Tilly Award for Fiction Inspired by both Women and Poker goes to Playing Poker with an Old Foe.

The Donald & Ivanka Trump Award for Being Married to Each Other and Not Inflicting Themselves on Anyone Else goes to Sam & Toni.

7 Comments | advice I'm slightly qualified to give, apparently I cannot avoid an argument, bad clients, bars aka where we get the booze, blog friends, blogging for a good cause, crush with a little c, Dinner Parties, dumb things I have done, finding slight is easy if you're looking for it, i didn't wake up pissed-off, kindness of strangers, random stuff, restaurants, skin hungry - to borrow a phrase, something else I have started that I may or may not finish, the R-Cubies | Permalink
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Woulda Twittered Tuesday Volume III

22 December 2009

As you most of you all know, I steadfastly refuse to Twitter (though, I will confess to having registered the name of this blog and my real name just in case either suddenly become famous.)  As I have done in the past, the following 140 character or less thoughts, questions, statements of philosophy, etc. crossed my mind in the last week or so.

I just won a beer for my stirring and complete a’capella rendition of Slick Rick’s hip-hop classic LaDiDaDi – beat that bitches.

ME: You’re out of half-n-half you want Bailey’s in coffee instead? Old Friend: how long you known me? It’s 9am of course I want the Bailey’s

I’m going to see It’s Complicated on opening weekend because Hollywood needs to learn that women can be sexy beyond age 30.  Who’s in?

I don’t understand the people who drive in bad snow except in case of emergency: life or limb, aid of a friend, out of beer, etc.

My new Netbook is named Ada, after the woman who kept a very irritated me from walking out of Best Buy after being ignored for 30 minutes.

I spent 30hours planning 6 courses.  Ironically, the amuse bouche that I made up 20 minutes before service was the star of the night.

Regarding my last, if you ask really nicely, I just might share the recipe for Guacamole Mousse with Bacon Essence.

Regarding my last, before any of you ask, yes, I do make lots of things without bacon, but with some flavors, why would I bother?

Yes, it’s December, and we can attire ourselves lazily when many layers are involved but come on ladies, this is remedial fashion advice.

When the aforementioned tights are worn with Ugg style boots (really wish that fad would go away and die,) it is particularly unflattering.

12 Comments | advice I'm slightly qualified to give, anti twitter, apparently I cannot avoid an argument, dumb things I have done, Woulda Twittered Tuesdays | Permalink
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Dearest Santa – My Open List

20 December 2009

Dearest Santa,

I begin by explaining my belief in you – it has never wavered.  Sure, there was that one time in fourth grade when I may have pretended to be a non-believer, but that was just a front.  I only let people conclude such heinous things because snotty-nosed Johnny, who I am certain received lumps of coal that year and many that followed, was leading a chorus in which he and his evil cronies accused all believers of being “big fat little sissy babies.” Setting aside his horrific and illogical sentence structure, I assure you, Santa, that I only denied you once and only because even then I deemed arguing with the ill equipped to be a fool’s errand.

Like many bloggers this season, I am making my requests electronically because snail mail to the North Pole would burn hella fossil fuels, and publically because… well because I had to write something.  I am going to skip the obviously impossible requests (world peace, and end to suffering, a return to reason in political discourse, good service at CVS, etc.) because so many folks more worthy than I have made those requests and they seem not to be within your purview.  I will also forego the trappings of materiality (though if I were to find a 1961 Zenith Constellation Chronometer under my pretend tree, I wouldn’t be even a little upset,) because if I have learned nothing these past few years, I have learned that I have everything I really need.

With those caveats and qualifiers, my dear Santa, I give you my Christmas Wish list for 2009:

  1. I would like more uncomplicated relationships, or at least fewer relationships that offer conspicuous complexity.
  2. I would love it if you packaged some emotional availability and put that in my stocking.
  3. That ego deflation valve for my head would make a lovely bauble.  If you accompanied it with some supplemental humility packs it would really pop.
  4. A self-righteous-o-meter complete with the internal warning whistle that sounds before I get on Tilt would be splendid.
  5. While I appreciate all of the virtual friendships you’ve given me in the last year, I would love it if you made a few more of them more tangible.
  6. Santa, I love the delete-all-history function on that phone you gave me last year.  I am wondering if I could have the corresponding functionality for my brain too.
  7. I know that I have asked for a bunch of relationship stuff, but if you’d indulge me one more, I really wouldn’t mind if you helped me redevelop my relationship with Her.  No not that woman, Santa (she’s the reason I asked for number 6;) I’m referencing God, who I am convinced is a woman until I hear definitively contrary information.
  8. More cowbell
  9. A third ear – something stealthy, who wants to be that guy with an extra ear on his forehead – so I can listen a little bit more.

Well, Santa, that’s my list for this year.  I know that most of the things I have listed are within my control.  I suppose that is an implied acknowledgement that you, Santa, live in the heart of every boy and girl, no matter how old we get.

Sincerely, gratefully, yours,

Restaurant Refugee

10 Comments | advice I'm slightly qualified to give, apparently I cannot avoid an argument, bars aka where we get the booze, blog friends, dating, dumb things I have done, finding slight is easy if you're looking for it, kindness of strangers, minutes of my life I'll never get back, skin hungry - to borrow a phrase, something else I have started that I may or may not finish, why am I'm done with Catholocism? how much time ya got? | Permalink
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You Cannot Be Serious

11 December 2009

First things first, I hope that we’ll see you tonight.  Good, now that that’s settled, back to regularly scheduled programming.


Reema reached over and had a gentle hand rubbing just below my shoulder blades.  The gesture wasn’t flirtatious in any way, rather it was a calming, circular motion that communicated a non-verbal “you know I agree with you but don’t start an argument with that guy – you can’t win because intellectual arguments with the unarmed still, somehow, leave everyone bloodied.”

Reema and I are frequent bar mates and almost always in political agreement.  We initially met a couple of years ago when she asked me where I got the “Yes We Can” – in Hebrew – sticker on my computer.  She’s a Hebrew speaking Indian Jew – not as rare as one might think, she keeps insisting.

Early on this random Tuesday evening I sat between Reema and an unfamiliar gentleman to my left.  At one point, Reema or I – my memory fails – asked for the channel on one of the televisions to be changed from FOX News (I had to type that three times before I could force my fingers to form FOX versus FIX) to a game.

As the channel changed, my accidental bar mate to my left said “oh, I was watching that.”

The bartender and I said, in almost unison, “Sorry about that, would you like to change it back?”

“No, no, I’m good” he replied.

In what was, at the time, a question of genuine curiosity, but in retrospect a very large mistake, I asked this gentleman “Do you watch FOX for entertainment, news or both?”

“Absolutely, both… I mean they’re the only ones putting the real news out there.  Come on, Glenn Beck is like a modern day Thomas Payne.”

Many of you may not believe me, but I really don’t seek conflict, and I tried to back away from this one by saying “Oh, I understand” and turning back towards comfortable conversation with Reema.

It took about five seconds for me to learn that starting another conversation would not end the previous one.  “I mean, FOX is the only major media outlet that talked about Obama’s birth certificate, the death panels the democrats are proposing as a health care solution, the fallacy of global warming, and all kinds of things that the left wing media ignores.”

This was the first moment I felt the calming influence of Reema’s hand on my back.  Her hand was the reason my tone was moderated, and my response a restrained “Yeah, well we disagree on this issue, and agreeing to disagree is never a bad thing.”

“You must be one of those typical lefties that think disagreeing with a conservative position is the height of intellectualism, but when conservatives disagree with liberals, you just shut down the conversation because you don’t respect our opinions.”

Reema’s hand urged me to take a moment and a deep breath before responding “It’s not that I don’t respect your opinions, Sir, it’s that I think that they require a dramatic rewriting of history to reach… the notion that Thomas Payne, a vociferous advocate of the equitable distribution of wealth, shares more than a passing resemblance to Glenn Beck is a laughable notion.”  My powder was still mostly dry, and my voice well within acceptable tones, when I continued “That you really consider FOX the bell ringer of unbiased information is as laughable as the people who consider Keith Olberman to be that as well; it’s not that I don’t respect your opinions, rather, it’s that I think that they are so diametrically opposed to mine that there is no middle ground on which either of us could change the other’s mind, and therefore, it’s best that we leave things with a gentleman’s agreement to agree to disagree.”

This conservative gent to my left capitulated to my neutral-corners offer for about five minutes before he offered “So I guess you hate Sarah Palin too?”

Reema was in the restroom so the calming influence of her hand on my back was absent when I finally snapped back “You’re about two sentences from convincing me that you’re a real ass – not because of your political view, but because you seem insistent on arguing about it with someone who has made it clear that they do not wish to discuss such things with you.”  I took another deep breath before concluding with “I don’t know why you insist on trying to snatch conflict from the jaws of peaceable drinking, but…”

My voice trailed off as my mind caught the place my mouth was about to go.

“…Listen, when my friend gets back, I’m going to talk to her; but I do wish you a really happy holiday season, sir.”

He finally got the hint – and his check.

12 Comments | apparently I cannot avoid an argument, bars aka where we get the booze, dumb things I have done, finding slight is easy if you're looking for it, i didn't wake up pissed-off, minutes of my life I'll never get back, the newspapers made me that way | Permalink
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I Wonder if This is How Bernie Did It

10 December 2009

I met Tracy walking down the street Sunday night.  We both stepped into the street to jaywalk and laughed when we both retreated in the face of a car rounding the corner way too quickly.  We bonded over our shared roots as native Washingtonians as we traversed the two blocks to the grocery store.

We talked about her children, and my business.  As we parted, she said “I think we should talk, we might be able to do some business together.  That’s a throw-away line in DC as common as empty pizza wrappers on an Adams Morgan Saturday night.  So I was surprised when she called me to ask for a meeting on Wednesday.

Our intended location, a neighborhood coffeeshop, was too crowded so we headed to her living room a block or so away.  We talked politics and economics for twenty minutes or so before she launched into the sales pitch.  It was boiler plate sales slogans.

  • Are you making your paycheck work for you?
  • Is your income stream diversified?
  • Shouldn’t your money work when you aren’t?
  • Aren’t you tired of someone else controlling your destiny?

Being annoyed by platitudes and rhetoric, I finally asked “So how can this help my business?”

Tracy finally got specific.  She outlined how I could purchase the things I already buy through an online mall, and my clients could buy through it as well.  She talked for several more minutes before I finally said “So how is this different from some sort of Amway pyramid operation?”

“Oh, so you’re already familiar with Amway?”

11 Comments | dumb things I have done, i didn't wake up pissed-off, minutes of my life I'll never get back | Permalink
Posted by restaurant refugee

Lessons Learned from my Adventures in Online Dating

1 December 2009

  1. Apparently, every man inflates his height by at least two inches
  2. People who claim to “look X number of years younger” usually have a maturity level that is multiplier of X number of years younger too.
  3. Less than 10% of women are more attractive than their pictures upon first meeting. Usually it’s the women with the accidental and or group photos who are in that 10%
  4. There ought to be a mandatory “honesty window” after the first drink, during which one or both parties are afforded opportunity to end a date without explanation or harsh feelings.
  5. The slim response rate to “real” emails (differentiated from the vulgar, the one liners, the barely literate) encourages men to use such passive approaches like the wink, woo, or whatever one-click measure a given site has.
  6. Despite the slim odds expressed in #5, the wink is still the hallmark of a lazy flirt and/or an inactive mind.
    1. Rule #6 applies primarily to men. Yes, it’s a double standard, yes, all men need to get over it.
  7. If a woman is interested in you, there is no volume of messages in her inbox that will delay a response to a well written message.
  8. Women with only one picture posted have a tendency to prefer an informational imbalance. That passive power play will extend to other areas of virtual and actual interaction.
  9. Match algorithms are a terrific guide, but musical preferences are an incredibly accurate predictor of compatibility.
  10. Women who don’t read are almost certainly going to be poor conversationalists (further evidence provided in the form of Sarah Palin.)
  11. Just as a gentleman doesn’t have the option of refusing a drink from a lady (he is required to offer at least 10 minutes of polite conversation,) he is similarly obliged to respond to all valid initial messages from a woman… if only to encourage the practice of women choosing rather then waiting to be chosen.
  12. The existence of true chemistry cannot be confirmed via email exchanges but the absence of it can.
  13. Women and men who are obviously hiding something in their pictures (i.e. – always wearing hats, all pictures taken from slimming angles, facial close-ups only) have esteem issues.  This shouldn’t inherently eliminate them, but it is an important data point.
  14. Optimism is a good thing – I know six married couples who met via electronic assistance, and three more who are engaged or about to be – but should never be confused with the over-eager.
  15. Reasonable caution and pessimism shouldn’t be confused, one is pragmatic, the other unattractive.
  16. The effort may not always be appreciated or rewarded, but one should always dress with some effort and intention.  Failure to exhibit effort may be a sign of latent pessimism.
  17. Always have a reason to meet someone in person. “Why not,” ego boosts, and “nothing better to do” are not reasons.

This list was originally drafted in response to a message received from a woman and her list of lessons.  Feel free (not like any of you lovely blogtarts* need permission to express your opinions) to disagree with any of the aforementioned and/or add your own.

* term lifted from the incredibly talented author the Skrinkering Hearts blog, a woman I am delighted to call a virtual friend.

25 Comments | advice I'm slightly qualified to give, bars aka where we get the booze, blog friends, booze & boozing, Crush with a big C, crush with a little c, dating, dumb things I have done, entertaining, skin hungry - to borrow a phrase | Permalink
Posted by restaurant refugee

Don’t Call It a Comeback…

23 November 2009

A little more than a year ago I added a feature to the blog – a Would We Get Along Quiz.  It was written in the same style as one of those magazine quizzes and I wrote it, long before I started the blog, as something funny for an internet dating site.

I eventually removed it after a friend stated that it created the impression that I was using the blog to meet women.  I don’t disagree with the fact that it could be seen as giving that impression, but I still think the notion is funny and the literary exercise challenging.  So if you all will take my intentions at face value, I have written a new and improved version.

5 Comments | blog friends, dumb things I have done, NaBloPoMo - still with it | Permalink
Posted by restaurant refugee

Just Like You Don’t Make Bomb Jokes in Airports…

22 November 2009

Sunday, 22 November 2009, 1:30pm

Customer Service Counter of Anonymous Big Box Retailer

 

RR: Good Afternoon; I need to return these earphones, please.

Retailbot: Reason for return?

RR: Well, they’re sound deadening and they work a bit too well for my liking.

Retailbot: [blink, blink]

RR: When I wear them on the street, I can’t hear cars approaching me and that seems a bit unwise.  So they work too well.

Retailbot: I can’t accept a return because it works too well.  The computer doesn’t have a box for that.

RR: OK, I understand that.  Does the computer have a box for customer satisfaction or dissatisfaction?

Retailbot: Yes, but you’re not dissatisfied.  They worked how you expected them to.  They say they’re sound deadening and they deaded the sound, right?

RR: Yes, yes, I understand what you’re saying but I assure you when I said that they “worked too well” I was just making a joke not being literal.

Retailbot: Yeah, but you said that they worked, that they did the job you expected them to do.  I can’t take a return because a product worked.

RR: I completely get what you’re saying.  It’s just that I had no idea the side effects of the product would be so… well, dangerous.  So ultimately I, the customer, am not satisfied.  So you can check that box with a clear conscious.

Retailbot: [blink, blink]

RR: Maybe we should just get your manager.

2 Comments | apparently I cannot avoid an argument, dumb things I have done, minutes of my life I'll never get back, NaBloPoMo - still with it | Permalink
Posted by restaurant refugee

Woulda Twittered Wednesday… if I Were to Tweet

18 November 2009

I know that mall stores play holiday music beginning in November, but must my coffee shop try to make my head explode by following suit?

“Stop being a slave to the tyranny of your own ego” – advice to OSSL after he avoided getting laid because of a useless argument

If you’re gonna argue with me about the constitution to impress a woman, you really should’ve been right b/c you’re a lawyer and I’m not

Correcting an attorney on the constitution using my pocket copy is apparently a good way to block/win the girl

I need a new word that describes “something of value abandoned with an old date because you decided recovery cost isn’t worth it” Thoughts?

On a scale of 1-10, please rate my asshattery for not wanting to date a woman because she txt msg lk 16yo grl.

I didn’t wake up in my clothes on Saturday morning… but only because I thought it a good idea to strip in the kitchen on Friday night.

To the dude who just purchased a ruler long and half dollar thick cigar, it’s not a conversation piece; it’s a compensation piece.

I get the appeal of cuisine as competition; but competition with parties outside of one’s self is antithetical to cuisine.

This is a blatant admission that NaBloPoMo is kicking my ass.

14 Comments | advice I'm slightly qualified to give, anti twitter, apparently I cannot avoid an argument, dumb things I have done, NaBloPoMo - still with it | Permalink
Posted by restaurant refugee

I Know, I Wish Volume II

8 November 2009

I know that it would be wrong, but every time I see your car taking two spaces in the parking lot, I wish I could let the air out of your tires, you entitled prick.

I know that I have too many reasons to dislike you; I wish that I didn’t still find you so attractive.

I know that I put up a great front, but I wish that it wasn’t so frequently used to mask soul shaking doubts.

I know that we used to be friends; I wish I knew what happened to us and I had the courage to ask you.

I know better than to communicate through a blog; I wish I didn’t really want to identify the subjects of the previous few lines.

I know that you’re gonna burn in hell for what you did to me; I wish that you hadn’t also robbed me of the belief in hell below and heaven above.

I know that my best days are always ahead of me; but I wish I wasn’t so wistful about years long gone.

I know that our marriage was as good of an idea as playing with matches while standing in a gasoline puddle; I still wish that we hadn’t given up quite so easily.

I know that rapid problem solving is among my greatest strengths; I wish I could direct that skill inwards.

I know that you’re in a loveless, soulless, suburban marriage that drains you with each day; I wish that you didn’t use me as an escapist excuse to indulge your inner-city-boy.

I know that you know the broad-strokes if not the details; I wish that your girlfriend would stop making a fool out of you by taking you to the scene of her crimes.

*******

I Know, I Wish Volume I

6 Comments | advice I'm slightly qualified to give, crush with a little c, dating, dumb things I have done, I know I wish | Permalink
Posted by restaurant refugee

Easier Than I Thought… I am, That Is

15 October 2009

It was an apple crisp night with stiletto rain falling – the kind of evening possessed with an inherent romance like a train ride to NYC, or farmer’s market Sundays.  I had watched the sky grow darker and the rain colder from the comfort of a heated and covered patio.  The surrealism of watching the elements but not being among them was augmented by the strange introspection I’d been feeling all day.  After finishing my newspapers, a couple of bourbons, and most of one of my favorite cigars, I decided I needed to change the scenery.

Within thirty yards, there was the Metro, a bus, and a cab each of which would have conveniently ferried me to my next destination; but I was in a mood to walk.

I am one of those people that some of you hate (for a host of reasons I am sure, but I reference just one) who carries a rather large umbrella.  Four blocks into my walk I hadn’t poked any eyes or other body parts.  Waiting at a stop light a woman comes to the right of my extended cover.  My mind flashed back to one of LiLu’s moments.  I raised my umbrella and tried to find my most non-threatening voice before saying “Happy to share.”

“Thank you, I’m tired of getting wet” she replied as she moved closer to me before continuing “Uhmm, that didn’t come out right.”

“I think were fine; I know what you intended” I countered as we both laughed a polite laugh.

Not wishing to be rude, I ditched the nub of a cigar still smoldering in my left hand.  We walked for a couple of blocks making the kind of awkward small talk that strangers thrown together by circumstance are prone to make.  At another stop light she faces me and says “I think I know you.”

“I beg your pardon.”

“Yeah, I think we’ve met before – you look really familiar.”

“I have to confess that I can be pretty bad with names and faces sometimes, so it’s quite possible – I’m Refugee; nice to meet you.”

“Now I know we’ve met because I had a feeling that was your name… oh, sorry, I’m Jade” she said with more animation than was required.

Given my history in these kinds of moments – I once introduced myself to a bartender I fired – I avoided the “how do we know each other” type of conversation while running though my mental rolodex trying to place our meeting.  We continued having conversation lite for another few blocks until landing in the general area of our destinations.

“Can I buy you a drink to thank you for keeping me dry?” Jade asked while pointing toward the entrance of a nearby watering hole.

Before I had a chance to answer the questions I should have resolved in my head before giving a reply, I heard myself say “It would be my pleasure”.

We had made our way to the back of the bar, got settled and ordered drinks before Jade excused herself to “freshen up.”

There was a beer waiting for her when she returned. I raised my glass to toast, but Jade interrupted with “I need to tell you how I know you.”

“OK, but shall we toast first so we can have a drink while you talk?”

“Cheers, then” Jade said.  “Let me be honest and tell you that I figured it out before I suggested that we have a drink.”

For some reason, I felt a sudden tension in my back like I was about to hear the worst of the scenarios I had conjured in my head.  “Go on” was all I could muster.

“That last couple of blocks I realized that I only kinda know you, and by kinda, I mean not really.  My friend who writes a blog knows you and she knows that I read your blog so she showed me your picture one day… I hope that’s not too weird.”

It was just a bit weird, but I kept my half-formulated thoughts to myself for the moment.  “It’s a touch off putting, but let’s not worry about it” I mostly truthfully declared.

Over the next hour and change, Jade and I had a rather pleasant conversation that only partly felt like an interview.  What follows are the more interesting interview questions and the ones that I think a few more people might want to know:

Why do you blog anonymously? When I started the blog the impetus might have been otherwise but I always suspected that I would write about restaurants.  There is an unwritten rule that restaurant professionals don’t criticize other restaurants publicly.  Given that I might get back into the business one day, and the nature of my current business I have to blog anonymously, though as evidenced by your friend with the picture, I haven’t always been so good at maintaining my anonymity.

That last post of yours was, uhmm, well you know what it was.  If you’ve got that kind of chemistry with her why aren’t you with her? That post was pure fiction – pretty sure I labeled it that way – and was just something I wrote to exercise some prose.  I’ve done it before… and, no, I won’t say if it was inspired by anyone or anything in particular.

Have you ever dated people you’ve met through your blog? A couple, and not sure if either was a good idea in retro(or current)spect. Though, I’m not sure that I wouldn’t do it again.  In a way, I think that meeting people whose thoughts you’ve read for a while is better than most of the random ways people meet.

Do you go out as often as it seems from reading your blog? Not sure how best to answer that question… sometimes yes, others no.  Part of what I do for a living requires me to be very social, and I certainly enjoy it.  At the same time, I enjoy staying home sometimes.  Fuck that sounded like I’m answering a question for a dating profile.

Are you ever going to finish that story about the night with the limo and the ball? I want to, I’ve tried to, I just hate the way the words are arranged on the page.  For some reason I just can’t seem to write about it in a way that makes me happy.  I know the point of it, the arc of it; I just can’t seem to tell it.

Are you going to write about meeting me tonight? Whaddayou think?

12 Comments | bars aka where we get the booze, blog friends, dumb things I have done, random stuff, restaurants, women | Permalink
Posted by restaurant refugee

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