And the R-Cubies Go To…

29 December 2009

Shameless Solipsism and a Couple of Wet Kisses have arrived in the form of the first annual (probably never do this again, but whatever) Restaurant Refugee Rewards or R-Cubes for short.  They are a collection of some of the posts of the last twelve months that had particular meaning to me, or got me in trouble, or simply had subjects that lent themselves to making another joke.  There are also a few other people’s work receiving awards today – though not nearly as many people as should get them so there maybe another installment of this tomorrow.

And the R-Cubies go to…

The Carrie Prejean Award for Pretty but Vapid Restaurants goes to Bar Dupont.

The What Would Happen If Dr. Ruth Looked Like Ginger Award for Sexpert Advice in the blogosphere goes to City Girl Blogs.

The Hallmark Award for Best Invention of a Holiday goes to National Crush Day

The Carl Lewis Sings the National Anthem Award for Shoulda Stuck to What you Know goes to All of my Attempts to Write Memes – Except this one which I thought was really good.

The James Lipton Award for Seemingly Simple but Terrifically Textured Questions goes to Megabrooke of Skrinkering Hearts who asked me “How Much is Too Much” in that interview meme that was going around at the beginning of the year.

The Infield Fly Rule Award for things you Should Know but Maybe Didn’t goes to Advice for Black Tie Galas and Capitol Hill Style’s Ball Tips and Tricks for Ladies that inspired it.

The Cowbell Award for Things I Need More of goes to Jimmy & Sophia.

The Urban Dictionary Award for Teaching me my Favorite New Phrase, Skin-Hungry, goes to I’m Gonna Break Your Heart.

The Oscar Wilde Award for Booze as Creative Lubricant goes to My Weekend as Three Rounds of Jeopardy.

The Max Roach Award for Consistently Leaving Comments Better than the Post that Inspired Them goes to my friend Brad.

The Joe Isuzu Award for Forcing Me to Be Creative with Truth goes to the Unnamed Woman Who Inspired This Post.

The Sarah Silverman Award for my Favorite New Funny and Irreverent Blogger goes to –The Fooler Initiative–.

The Don Imus Award for Unintentionally Causing Controversy goes to The Open Letter to a Few Women and the Subsequent Follow-Up.

The Snuggie Award for Ideas that Seemed Fun Conceptually but in Reality Not So Much… goes to Blog Reader Bingo.

The If Dr. Phil Wasn’t Such a Tool Award for Good Advice Given goes to A Guide to Fighting Fairly.

The Jennifer Tilly Award for Fiction Inspired by both Women and Poker goes to Playing Poker with an Old Foe.

The Donald & Ivanka Trump Award for Being Married to Each Other and Not Inflicting Themselves on Anyone Else goes to Sam & Toni.

7 Comments | advice I'm slightly qualified to give, apparently I cannot avoid an argument, bad clients, bars aka where we get the booze, blog friends, blogging for a good cause, crush with a little c, Dinner Parties, dumb things I have done, finding slight is easy if you're looking for it, i didn't wake up pissed-off, kindness of strangers, random stuff, restaurants, skin hungry - to borrow a phrase, something else I have started that I may or may not finish, the R-Cubies | Permalink
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Struggling with Instinct in the Pale Moon Light*

6 December 2009

“I love the new look” was the salutation from Juliet, a woman I’ve know for several years.  The greeting wasn’t strange in light of the fact that I had recently shaved the goatee I’d worn since grad school.

“Thank you; I have to admit that I’m still on the fence about the change” I replied.

“Trust me, you need to keep it off… I mean you looked great before but now there’s nothing hiding your lips.”

As soon as the words were out, I could see the holyshitdidIjustsaythat look fall across her face.  It was the wee small hour part of the night and she had been at the bar for a few beers more than me.

Alcohol is the lubricant that often pries difficult truth from the mind

Gentlemen don’t revel in a lady’s embarrassment, so I changed the subject with a “So how was your holiday?”

We continued with the worst kind of cocktail conversation for another few minutes but that look never left her face.  She went back to her friends and I went back to crafting the menu for a Cajun Holiday dinner I may or may not be preparing in a couple of days.

Minutes always seem to move faster the closer you get to Last Call and this night was no exception.  As I hate being in a bar when the lights get brighter and everyone get a little less attractive (myself included,) I started packing my things before that moment.  Just as I’m buckling the straps on my briefcase, Juliet came over and asked “Refugee, you mind walking me home?”

I’d done it at least a dozen times and I was happy to do it again that night.

On the sidewalk, Juliet slipped her arm inside mine like she always does.  It was one of the first really cold nights of the season and I enjoyed having proof of my exhalations.  Two blocks later, we’re in front of her building and said our usual valediction as we hugged.   She took a few steps toward her door and made an abrupt about face.

Juliet closed the distance between us so quickly that I didn’t realize she was going to kiss me until her lips were already on mine.

It was a lusty, hungry kiss, the kind you’d expect from a woman who deserves to be kissed, and often, and by somebody who knows how, but hasn’t been.

I started to speak but Juliet placed a gentle hand to my lips and said “I’m sorry; I’ve wanted to do that for a very long time and since I obviously told you that earlier, I figured I had nothing to lose.  Your lips are softer than I imagined and I wish I could date you, but I have height issues… and I know that their mine but…”

I cut her off with “I understand and you don’t need to say anything else” mostly because I didn’t want to hear any more.  I am not a bitter short guy – well I am bitter with the doctors who told me as a child that I would be at least six-two and I do want those extra five inches – but this does get tiresome.

*Sting, if you ever read this blog – yeah, I know it ain’t likely – I hope you’ll pardon my paraphrasing your brilliant lyrics.

8 Comments | advice I'm slightly qualified to give, bars aka where we get the booze, crush with a little c, dating, random stuff, sucks to write this, women | Permalink
Posted by restaurant refugee

Lessons Learned from my Adventures in Online Dating

1 December 2009

  1. Apparently, every man inflates his height by at least two inches
  2. People who claim to “look X number of years younger” usually have a maturity level that is multiplier of X number of years younger too.
  3. Less than 10% of women are more attractive than their pictures upon first meeting. Usually it’s the women with the accidental and or group photos who are in that 10%
  4. There ought to be a mandatory “honesty window” after the first drink, during which one or both parties are afforded opportunity to end a date without explanation or harsh feelings.
  5. The slim response rate to “real” emails (differentiated from the vulgar, the one liners, the barely literate) encourages men to use such passive approaches like the wink, woo, or whatever one-click measure a given site has.
  6. Despite the slim odds expressed in #5, the wink is still the hallmark of a lazy flirt and/or an inactive mind.
    1. Rule #6 applies primarily to men. Yes, it’s a double standard, yes, all men need to get over it.
  7. If a woman is interested in you, there is no volume of messages in her inbox that will delay a response to a well written message.
  8. Women with only one picture posted have a tendency to prefer an informational imbalance. That passive power play will extend to other areas of virtual and actual interaction.
  9. Match algorithms are a terrific guide, but musical preferences are an incredibly accurate predictor of compatibility.
  10. Women who don’t read are almost certainly going to be poor conversationalists (further evidence provided in the form of Sarah Palin.)
  11. Just as a gentleman doesn’t have the option of refusing a drink from a lady (he is required to offer at least 10 minutes of polite conversation,) he is similarly obliged to respond to all valid initial messages from a woman… if only to encourage the practice of women choosing rather then waiting to be chosen.
  12. The existence of true chemistry cannot be confirmed via email exchanges but the absence of it can.
  13. Women and men who are obviously hiding something in their pictures (i.e. – always wearing hats, all pictures taken from slimming angles, facial close-ups only) have esteem issues.  This shouldn’t inherently eliminate them, but it is an important data point.
  14. Optimism is a good thing – I know six married couples who met via electronic assistance, and three more who are engaged or about to be – but should never be confused with the over-eager.
  15. Reasonable caution and pessimism shouldn’t be confused, one is pragmatic, the other unattractive.
  16. The effort may not always be appreciated or rewarded, but one should always dress with some effort and intention.  Failure to exhibit effort may be a sign of latent pessimism.
  17. Always have a reason to meet someone in person. “Why not,” ego boosts, and “nothing better to do” are not reasons.

This list was originally drafted in response to a message received from a woman and her list of lessons.  Feel free (not like any of you lovely blogtarts* need permission to express your opinions) to disagree with any of the aforementioned and/or add your own.

* term lifted from the incredibly talented author the Skrinkering Hearts blog, a woman I am delighted to call a virtual friend.

25 Comments | advice I'm slightly qualified to give, bars aka where we get the booze, blog friends, booze & boozing, Crush with a big C, crush with a little c, dating, dumb things I have done, entertaining, skin hungry - to borrow a phrase | Permalink
Posted by restaurant refugee

I Know, I Wish Volume II

8 November 2009

I know that it would be wrong, but every time I see your car taking two spaces in the parking lot, I wish I could let the air out of your tires, you entitled prick.

I know that I have too many reasons to dislike you; I wish that I didn’t still find you so attractive.

I know that I put up a great front, but I wish that it wasn’t so frequently used to mask soul shaking doubts.

I know that we used to be friends; I wish I knew what happened to us and I had the courage to ask you.

I know better than to communicate through a blog; I wish I didn’t really want to identify the subjects of the previous few lines.

I know that you’re gonna burn in hell for what you did to me; I wish that you hadn’t also robbed me of the belief in hell below and heaven above.

I know that my best days are always ahead of me; but I wish I wasn’t so wistful about years long gone.

I know that our marriage was as good of an idea as playing with matches while standing in a gasoline puddle; I still wish that we hadn’t given up quite so easily.

I know that rapid problem solving is among my greatest strengths; I wish I could direct that skill inwards.

I know that you’re in a loveless, soulless, suburban marriage that drains you with each day; I wish that you didn’t use me as an escapist excuse to indulge your inner-city-boy.

I know that you know the broad-strokes if not the details; I wish that your girlfriend would stop making a fool out of you by taking you to the scene of her crimes.

*******

I Know, I Wish Volume I

6 Comments | advice I'm slightly qualified to give, crush with a little c, dating, dumb things I have done, I know I wish | Permalink
Posted by restaurant refugee

Are You Faking or For Real – What’s the Deal Dapper

27 October 2009

One of my most frequently googled posts led to the post in which I make the argument that Sexy comes in all shapes and sizes.  It is a belief to which I have fervently cleaved and embodied throughout my adult life.  The corollary notion that I am primarily attracted by intellect and words in equal or even greater measure than one’s luck in the genetic lottery is also a long held concept.  Like many other personal ideals, it can fall short when tested.

As I write this from the patio of my regular coffeshop, a woman sitting a few feet to my left is testing it.  I see Dr. Bly here all the time.  We became fast friends about a year ago when we shared a table because all others were taken.  Over the course of all those months we’ve had countless coffee dates both planned and unplanned, and I have found her to be brilliant, wickedly funny, a scintillating conversationalist possessed with a healthy dose of snarkasm*, love for wine and baseball**, and a terrific flirt.  By any reasonable measure of people, she’s aces over aces.

Dr. Bly also happens to be, according to scientific definitions she helps write and her own admission, morbidly obese.

When we don’t find someone attractive but others think wee should, or we wish we did, the lack of interest can be rested on absence of the indefinable spark.  I can’t do that because intellectually we spark.\; the chemistry exists and it is mutual.  If the fates were to realign and place her into a size 2-20 body, I would cross six lanes of traffic to ask her to have drinks with me, but this day, like every other day our paths have crossed, I choke on the invitation before she leaves.

I am not certain that the superficial demons on my right shoulder have shouted down more enlightened angels on my left; but I don’t like what it says about me either way.

 

_________________

*the evolutionary cross between sarcasm and snark

* her love of baseball is substantively mitigated by the fact that she is a Red Sawx fan

15 Comments | crush with a little c, dating, random stuff, sucks to write this, women | Permalink
Posted by restaurant refugee

Fill In the Blank Friday Volume – I Stopped Counting

23 October 2009

All comments in brackets [are to be interpreted as options from which you may select one choice or opt for your own choice.]

  1. If I could get all [men, women] on the planet to _______________ for just one day, I would be a happy blogtart.
  2. If I could make everyone in [my family, circle of friends, company, city, or the human race] read one blog post, it would be _______________ because it really made me _______________.
  3. It may no longer be age appropriate, but I wish I could [occasionally, frequently, always] _______________ like I did when I was a kid.
  4. I know it has some redemptive qualities; but if I could remove the _______________ technological advancement from history, I would do it in a second.
  5. According to Verve.com, the five best date movies of all time (from 5 to 1) are Barberella, To Have and to Have Not, Say Anything, Casablanca, and Some Like It Hot.  I really think that _______________ should have made the list.
  6. Speaking of Movies… if a potential suitor didn’t [like, love, cry during] the movie _______________, it would be a large red flag.
  7. If you want to ask me to do something difficult, asking with a _______________ in your hand would be a very good start*.
  8. I don’t know _______________, but I have an [intellectual, blog, purely platonic] crush on him/her that just won’t quit.
  9. Paraphrasing and with apologies to James Lipton, if I wasn’t a _______________ (feel free to omit this part if it would compromise your anonymity,) the occupation I would most like to try is _______________*.
  10. If I could direct every new reader of my blog to _______________ post, it would go a long way towards explaining [my sense of humor, why I started blogging, my sensibilities, or _______________.]
  11. If you would have told me _______________ years ago that I would be _______________ today, I would have laughed in your face; but I surely am/have.
  12. I love the space after the _______________ but before the _______________ *.
  13. We all have better angels and lesser demons whispering in our ears.  At the moment, the angels on my [left, right] shoulder are saying _______________, while the lesser demons on my [right. Left] soldier are saying _______________.

* Cribbed, in whole or in part, from the following prior posts:

Superfluous Friday Edition

Since James Lipton Hasn’t Come Knocking

Been Thinking About Space Since Yesterday’s Morning Storms

3 Comments | advice I'm slightly qualified to give, Crush with a big C, crush with a little c, fill in the blank fridays, I Got Five on It Friday | Permalink
Posted by restaurant refugee

Ten Things I Would Have Tweeted This Week if I Twittered*

24 September 2009
  1. Red pumps with a black business suit = great; red pumps with black ball gown = hooker.
  2. Every man should have the experience of saying no to a woman who is unaccustomed to hearing the word.  It is an invigorating experience.
  3. The likelihood of a dude getting laid on Saturday night is inversely proportional to the degree of tooldom he displays to the bar staff.
  4. Every time I watch Top Chef it makes me want to drive to Zaytinya, find Mike I and repeatedly punch him in the face.
  5. I know that this is an inside joke, but LiLu did you invent this http://ninjaoffer.com/?
  6. Overheard at the bar: The only way she got into those pants was with a stick of butter and the grace of God.
  7. Get over to Little Miss Whiskey’s before it’s too cold to enjoy the best patio in the city.  Don’t expect Whiskey.
  8. You know you’re old when: you’re talking to a woman in a bar and realize that you once dated her mother.
  9. Why do fun size Snickers bars taste so much better than their full sized brethren?
  10. A woman sitting next to me on the train just quoted Pablo Neruda; I would have fallen if she wasn’t married.

* Any of you should feel free to correct the conjugation of those verbs.

19 Comments | advice I'm slightly qualified to give, anti twitter, bars aka where we get the booze, crush with a little c, metro, random stuff | Permalink
Posted by restaurant refugee

I Know / I Wish

19 September 2009

I know your boyfriend is an asshole and I haven’t even met him yet.  I wish I knew you well enough to say.

I know you don’t like me and that I wouldn’t trust you to make oxygen into carbon dioxide.  I wish that you would stop pretending.

I know that we’re back on friendly terms, can bend an elbow together even, but I’ll never be with you again.  I do wish that I could bottle that look from the first time I rejected you.

I know that you and your fiancé are happily ensconced in your life and you know that I love both you and her.  I do wish that you and I still had our great friendship.

I know that you mostly mean well when you keep offering me that gig.  I wish that I could take you seriously.

I know that you’re married and I am no threat to you, your husband, or your marriage.  I do wish I didn’t enjoy being around you quite so much.

I know that you’ve loved me since before I was born.  I wish you didn’t have such a fucked up way of showing it.

I know you’ve been sober for five years now and your sobriety is more important than our friendship.  I wish the two weren’t mutually exclusive.

I know that you’re a gentleman and a stand up guy.  I wish you hadn’t placed me in a position that asked me not to be too.

I know that I am a deeply flawed man.  I wish I spent more time trying to fix the fixable flaws and made less excuses to place flaws in the non-fixable column.

12 Comments | advice I'm slightly qualified to give, blogging life, crush with a little c, dumb things I have done, entertaining, I know I wish, random stuff, sucks to write this, the social contract | Permalink
Posted by restaurant refugee

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