Comments on: No Sand in the Eyes is the Start http://restaurantrefugee.com/2009/09/15/no-sand-in-the-eyes-is-the-start/ Life & Lessons from before, during, and after my time in the service industry Fri, 03 Feb 2012 06:18:08 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.com/ By: Ask the Refugee – Sure Why Not? « The Restaurant Refugee http://restaurantrefugee.com/2009/09/15/no-sand-in-the-eyes-is-the-start/#comment-3261 Sun, 15 Nov 2009 17:33:51 +0000 http://restaurantrefugee.com/?p=1156#comment-3261 [...] would refer you to the Refugee Guide to Fighting Fairly for more [...]

]]> By: repliderium.com http://restaurantrefugee.com/2009/09/15/no-sand-in-the-eyes-is-the-start/#comment-2817 Thu, 17 Sep 2009 15:30:43 +0000 http://restaurantrefugee.com/?p=1156#comment-2817 I LOVE a good fight (though I call them “heated discussions” as they are usually political) but I agree completely with you- if you don’t fight fair with a person that you are supposed to love, then you should be jumping in to the scuffle in the first place.

]]> By: nicole http://restaurantrefugee.com/2009/09/15/no-sand-in-the-eyes-is-the-start/#comment-2812 Wed, 16 Sep 2009 21:03:05 +0000 http://restaurantrefugee.com/?p=1156#comment-2812 how wonderfully refreshing to hear your thoughts. they so closely mirror those of mine and many other women in my life. like jaime, what gets me through an argument is knowing that in the end, neither of us is going anywhere. that keeps me calm, knowing that we can get through it. and hopefully anything.
good stuff, rr

]]> By: Julie http://restaurantrefugee.com/2009/09/15/no-sand-in-the-eyes-is-the-start/#comment-2811 Wed, 16 Sep 2009 20:34:07 +0000 http://restaurantrefugee.com/?p=1156#comment-2811 Perfect list and an excellent reminder.

I learned a lot of these lessons from my last relationship and have found myself “teaching” these lessons to The Fireman over the past months. Point #7: The other night – in the depths of an argument that could’ve had holes punched into walls – he looked at me and said “You said you won’t listen to me if I’m not calm and I’m finding it very hard to stay calm right now. I’m trying so hard not to yell.” “Well, take a minute then. The second you raise your voice, the conversation will be over.” He didn’t need a minute – he just took a deep breath and turned the conversation from raw emotion to a logical rational standpoint. Honestly, I was proud of him. People do need to learn to fight.

Fighting fair is huge. Picking battles is even bigger. I also find that unless it’s a dealbreaker, it’s really okay to agree to disagree and try to find some sort of compromise.

]]> By: jamy http://restaurantrefugee.com/2009/09/15/no-sand-in-the-eyes-is-the-start/#comment-2806 Wed, 16 Sep 2009 17:09:20 +0000 http://restaurantrefugee.com/?p=1156#comment-2806 This is great. To answer kitty about how to keep your defenses down…the key thing in any argument is to try and remember: you are not the target. I know it seems counter intuitive, but think about the last time you were angry. Was it really about you, your issues, your reactions MORE than the other person’s? If so, then the same applies to your partner. Thus, you are not the target. If you can de-personalize when things are oh-so-personal, it will help you stay off the defensive and help the other person stay on point.

Sigh. I am good at fighting fair but not good at de-personalizing. We all have to keep working on this forever.

]]> By: kitty http://restaurantrefugee.com/2009/09/15/no-sand-in-the-eyes-is-the-start/#comment-2805 Wed, 16 Sep 2009 16:39:42 +0000 http://restaurantrefugee.com/?p=1156#comment-2805 extremely well said. fighting doesn’t have to be awful. i wonder if there’s a point of advice for keeping your defenses down? getting defensive is point in which the fight is no longer fair.

]]> By: Gilahi http://restaurantrefugee.com/2009/09/15/no-sand-in-the-eyes-is-the-start/#comment-2804 Wed, 16 Sep 2009 11:12:23 +0000 http://restaurantrefugee.com/?p=1156#comment-2804 I would add: Do not twist another’s words. Saying, “I prefer recipe A to recipe B”, is NOT saying, “I hate recipe B”, and should not be interpreted that way.

Agreed, I think this is an excellent corollary to interpreting all statements in the most positive and benign light.

]]> By: SingLikeSassy http://restaurantrefugee.com/2009/09/15/no-sand-in-the-eyes-is-the-start/#comment-2803 Wed, 16 Sep 2009 02:49:04 +0000 http://restaurantrefugee.com/?p=1156#comment-2803 This is a clip and save candidate right here. Thanks.

Thank you for the compliment.

]]> By: k8 http://restaurantrefugee.com/2009/09/15/no-sand-in-the-eyes-is-the-start/#comment-2802 Tue, 15 Sep 2009 22:42:10 +0000 http://restaurantrefugee.com/?p=1156#comment-2802 I don’t know about number 2. I mean – I’m hardly a relationship expert. However, if you have a desired outcome and your partner has another desired outcome in mind, there might not perhaps be a meeting ground to go to in the end.

The objective behind determining the desired outcome is to help one decide both if it is even a reasonable notion and therefor worth pursuing, and to help one back into the solution. If you know where you’d like it to go, you have an easier time of getting there.

]]> By: lacochran http://restaurantrefugee.com/2009/09/15/no-sand-in-the-eyes-is-the-start/#comment-2801 Tue, 15 Sep 2009 21:14:50 +0000 http://restaurantrefugee.com/?p=1156#comment-2801 Good list but we don’t delay discussions. We try to stay calm but if we delay, it gets worse. MUCH worse. No festering. If there’s emotion, we tend to try to discount the emotional component and still try to work the problem as best we can.

Everything else I agree with completely.

As for #1? I need to be right about everything. I know you’ll find this hard to believe–I know I do– but sometimes I’m not. Crazy, that’s what it is. Crazy.

Rules for anything can be a good guideline for creating order from chaos. They should never be used, however, to the extent that order can become the enemy of resolution.

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