… and my Lobster Bisque can’t fix it, your relationship is really broken.  More on this story on Monday, I promise, but I have to get through the rest of the weekend of client dinners first.  

Tracy and I had been dating for a couple of months and things were going well.  One night we settled on the couch to watch some romantic comedy – the name of which escapes me.  I do, however, recall that at the apex of the movie the Sally character said something to her Harry counterpart.  It was funny and poignant and Harry laughed and cried.

I looked at Tracy and pondered the on-screen relationship, the depth of a connection where a woman could say something that would make a man laugh and cry at the same time.  I wanted that kind of a connection I told her and asked “Tracy what could you say that would make me laugh and cry at the same time?”

She looked deeply, almost lustily at me and replied “Baby, you’ve got the biggest dick of all your friends.”

Yes, that was a joke I heard the other night.

Christian and Christina and I should not have met.  I don’t sit at that end of the bar; I don’t normally interrupt my newspaper time; and I was expecting someone to join me.  But my normal seats at Capitol Grille’s bar were taken, I had just finished the Sports section but not yet started the Metro, and my friend begged off our plan for a nightcap.

As they were settling their dinner tab, a near throw-away comment about the consistently excellent service at Cap Grille started a serendipitous conversation about their much smaller hometown, the glory that is the Pittsburgh Steelers 6^th Superbowl, and the two of them not yet finding rhythm in DC.  It wasn’t a long conversation, but when they mentioned that they were having trouble finding their social way in DC because it felt too slick, too clever by half my sense of ambassadorship moved me to show them a slice of the DC they’ve been missing.

Three relative strangers agreed to catch a cab, to trust each other with potential, to embrace some inner good.

Conversation loped and ranged and soared.  It was food, DC, the law, music, painting, philosophy and that was just the first hour.  We shared laughs at the expense of the interns and junior Hill staffers queuing for Hawk & Dove while we sipped bourbon at the Tune Inn – a grand dame of a dive if ever there was.  Christian befriended the Vietnam Vet telling stories in the corner, Christina and I talked about the restaurants that supported her beer habit while she worked her way through undergrad, a masters and law school.    They told me about their labradoodle, Gus.

We were having a lovely, laugh and booze filled evening, and I was delighted to have made new friends.  There was, however, the crystallizing moment when I knew that this was not the ordinary making of acquaintance. 

Christina raised her glass in a toast.

“I am so glad that we all met tonight, and I really hope the three of us will be able to get together soon.”

“But not in a ‘Dear Penthouse Forum, I never thought this would happen to me’ kinda way, right?”  As soon as I said it I realized this was a risky joke for people I’d just met. 

Christina immediately allayed my concerns by laughing, loudly, and responding “You mean that’s not going to happen?”

I long resisted the meme for reasons I shall keep to myself (Abraham Lincoln’s quote, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt,” comes to mind.)  I did this one because it was different and another because it was literarily and emotionally convenient, but when the Washington Post succumbed to the spreading-faster-than-an-STD-in-a-whorehouse Facebook Meme, limits had to be drawn.  Surely I can write a better meme, my hubris cajoled me into thinking.  Then I spent far too long thinking about it and only crafted the following eight questions. 

1. Most people have at least heard Rene Descartes’ elegant cornerstone of philosophy “Cogito Ergo Sum” which translates from Latin to “I think, therefore I am.”  One of my favorite magazines, Automobile which plays the role of New Yorker to Car & Driver’s US Weekly, uses a derivative phrase to encapsulate its existence – “Cogito Ergo Zoom, I think therefore I go fast.”  What would your derivative be? Cogito Ergo ____________
2. I find 99.99% of all Employment Applications to be disrespectful of the tree that gave its life for the printing.  Canned questions with even more practiced answers yield no useful information that could not be gleaned from a resume.  If you were able to add one substantive question to every standard application what would it be?
3. I think that manner in which people treat restaurant service staff is among the truest measures of character.  What unconventional behavioral norm or standard do you use as a personal tape measure?
4. 2009 hands you an unexpected, wrapped gift with a large bow. What is inside? You then have to gift this box anonymously to someone else. To whom do you give it and what is inside?* 
5. You recently witnessed a Mob hit.  After testifying, you entered the Witness Protection Program.  Where would you like to be sent?  Who would you miss the least?
6. The Johari Window is a decades old personality test.  Four panes of a window are used to represent the self that is known to you and others, the self only known to you, the self that is known to others but not you, and the self that is unknown.  Two part question: What are the rough percentage sizes of your window panes, and how has blogging changed your window?
7. 
8. Opposite ends of the Bell Curve: name something you do so poorly that you are an outlier to the left and something you do so well that you are an outlier to the right – assume a normal distribution; therefore the outliers represent the worst 2.5% and the best 2.5%
9. Gimmie a couple truly Pet Peeves – nothing grand like intolerance or people who kick puppies; list something rather trivial that irks you way more than it should.

The rules:

I ain’t tagging a soul.  If you wish to respond in the comments, or on your own blog, that would be nice.  I will answer questions another day.

* This question was written in conjunction with mostly by Single Girl for a three way we had with Katertot for the interview meme (still waiting on your answers, lady.)

If you are prone to disdaining self-involved, literarily vomitous blog posts, you should stop reading now (I would if I saw that disclaimer.)