If a porn star invites you to take her for a drink, you go on the date if only to have a story that begins “So this time I went out with a Porn Star.”
If I can still smell your cologne after I have walked away from your table, you are 3.6 times more likely to be a bad tipper than the general population.
Contrary to common belief, the really pretty people don’t get the best tables – the really nice people do.
Couples over the age of 40 who engage in heavy PDA in restaurants are usually cheating on at least one spouse.
If you are meeting an on-line date for the first time, stating your date’s name as a declarative rather than a question is the first sign of success.
Opening with the statement “Refugee, the Mrs.’s had a really bad day so there will be some cursing involved in the evening, can we sit somewhere out of the way?” is certain to place you on my list of most favorite guests.
Food Critics have a psychic Bad Day Barometer and will only appear when the needle is pegged on Shittiest Day Ever.
Health Inspectors, Alcohol Inspectors, and Corporate Mucketymucks have the same Barometer.
Very few problems cannot be solved with a mostly honest answer, sincere apology, and champagne.
The former lesson also applies to dating.
No good comes from Bachelor/ette Parties. Ever.
Cleaning problems in the Ladies Wash Closet is always more vile than those in the Gentleman’s.
Never get attached to any article of clothing worn in a restaurant. It will eventually be ruined.
Treating children like small adults is much more likely to produce good behavior.
I would much rather hire smart people with no experience then someone with 15 years of bad habits I will eventually have to break.
Guests who dine later in the evening are almost always more fun.
Always give the dishwasher beer at the end of the night.
Truth is not a good justification for calling a Corporate Mucketymuck a feckless asshat.
Posted by restaurant refugee 
